I don’t relax, I garden

I was thinking about my garden and my plants as I dig up weeds tossing dirt around. All their leaves and fruits are eaten! One plant has a tiny  disapointing rotten chili then I go on to my blog and write “My plants bring me joy! I love them! I loved them since they were seeds” as I come inside after flipping them off numerous times.

I Found out what the animal ruining my yard was just last week. It’s a racoon, yup. Him and his lil burglar face have been ruining my plants, biting tomatoes, harassing my bunny and stealing his food. How do I know it stole his food? well he had a piece of toast. That piece of toast ended up in the front yard where the lil coon ran to. I really do love raccoons, they are so freaking cute. I’m going to just put motion lights since he only visits at night to terrorize me. Hopefully this keeps him away (but how many times have I said lights will go up?) If not, I will have to trap and release him some ware else far far far away from the land of free vegetables and toast.

I keep seeing these cute lil rain gutter gardens, I want one, I NEED one. last time I went to Lowes I had the most awful experience with shithole customer service, yes, I’m talking about you Lowes in Gilroy, fuck you! 8 employees siting on their assholes in the garden section not one of them could do what their paid to do and lower fking bricks down. I waited 40 fking minutes and now I know why serial killers exist. They go to stores like this trying to relieve their stress, working in a garden, building bird houses etc. Only to have assholes like that make them wait around, and feel ridiculously unimportant because you know making money for the company you work for is sooo down the list of shit you should be doing ugh. So I went to Home Depot. Someone helped me within 1 fucking minute, 1 I wish I could capitalize a number one. I can’t so I will bold it 1 (take notes Lowes). I got a 10-foot piece of gutter and two sets of end caps and some hook things 4 of them for under thirty dollars. I want to cut it in half and do five feet each. I haven’t really chosen a cite yet, so this might change and I might have to pick more caps and hooks up will see. So far on task and mood is great. Things will get done. I will not drop kick my to-do list this week.

Surprise pea plant

Forgot I planted peas out of ten seeds only one to sprout.


Tomato’s in the green house living still. Everyone outside shrived to raisins


Spider in the greenhouse taking care of the nasty winged bugs.



In real time

I bet your wondering. Yvette ……with all these garden mishaps, why or why do you still garden? and simply I can put it as the sun comes up and I feel the need, the need to create and grow and make this world a more beautiful and fruitful place. Just kidding.

It’s because I pretty much feel like I’m a mermaid but a woodland fairy as well therefore I will make this green thumb catch a spark and work this year. fucking work thumb. Also because I want “TO CATCH” (in a net or other trap) the person who robbed my garden on camera. So garden = catching thief, also using the new seeds I bought. Hopefully cross your fingers. I’ve decided to put up motion lights to deter the night time menace. I’ve made numerous upgrades which I will lead us through now…..or later I have plans on plans on plans on paper and in my brain. We will get to everything together

My greenhouse isn’t taking this cold, wet, hot weather very well. I guess weather in general. I can see tons of lil holes. I did buy a new cover I’m just waiting for the mail to deliver it to me.

I find myself complaining about my winter garden often. It’s not even winter yet. I had to google when winter was. I just assumed because I freeze to death every night and every dam house has Christmas lights up, it must be winter. I was getting ready for the change in season and some asshole decided to help me out by falling over my fence into my huge tomato bushes barely missing my purple tomatillo plant. Now I’m down three bushes. They fell on top of tons of plastic forks I put in the dirt to keep the cats away. I hope they forked there eye out. I didn’t even take a picture of that area it looked like a “real garden” you know the garden you imagine in your head when you plant your seeds. My imaginary garden waters and weeds itself but this raised bed was as close to my idea as possible.  I’m getting ready for my winter garden so super beyond excited but also sick of my shovel and my hose and this tree blocking all my dam sun light.

List of things to do:

Recover my green house

Reclaim yard from the leaf menace

All else can wait.


The tomato’s I was able to salavage from my smushed plants.

Tiny left over carrot from last years bunch and some gross bugs with big bodies and tiny plant stomping legs.


Burned to the root

My two beautiful tomato plants have been trampled, they were both over four feet tall. Something walked all over them and broke them in half. I don’t know what it is, my traps have caught nothing. I’ve been spraying mint every ware its suppose to make mice, rodents and raccoons disappear. My only thought now is that a group of garden gnomes must come alive at night and make the long commute from the house three blocks away to jump my fence, ransack my yard and dump cat shit every ware.

After weeks of blaming my neighbors’ orange cat for shitting on my plants and wishing nothing but herpes upon them and then realizing its my own cat I’ve come to my next conclusion. It’s the fucking both of them. I’ve seen them both doing it they must be taking turns ruining my life. This weather has been crap 95 today 104 tomorrow then it rained wtf? is it fall or are we still in summer.

My back-yard garden was the biggest casualty of the earths ever changing mind. All my spices burnt to hell, everything in the green house wilted! Even with all the water I poured before class, after class, before work, all day flooding them with water. I was keeping them hydrated like they were Olympic sprinters

My side yard garden doing amazingly, I can’t say I’m not growing porn star quality cucumbers because it’s pretty dam clear I am ;). It’s going so dam good on the side I’m going to plant more there. I just need to build this dam fence to keep the people sized garden thieves out. 

I had to buy a litter scoop and scoop my dirt. Some asshole tossed a pile of rocks into my garden. Where the hell do you get random rocks around here? The river is over ten miles away.

I didn’t realize how hard it is to put up chicken wire. The internet makes things look to dam easy. I did a pretty horrible job. It doesn’t look like any cats or dogs will make it in so it has met its purpose to keep the fur monsters out of the future cite of my veggies. Now how to keep the gnomes out ha. Will see.

My small bounty


Never ending amount of uninvited guests.

I didn’t know snails could eat so much.

Pretty sure the rabbit got out and ate the cucumbers.


Garden dreams crushed

You can tell someone has been river dancing all over my dirt. My cover blew off into the wind and out into the world. Ugg flip flops and sprinkling plants with water doesn’t mix. My feet look like I’m a hobbit minus the hair. Just dirty feet gross.

I’m behind on my garden life between the animals eating all my plants, my cat shitting and ripping out all my fucking seedlings. Not to mention the people robbing me of my organic goods then eating them in my yard. I visited my garden to find all my cumbers gone, roughly around 10. I start cleaning and notice a huge hole in my bushes ware someone has been siting and eating fucking snacks and drinking a crisp 40 oz. Corona. All their trash is there. In the piles of trash are lil cucumber tops, this asshole whoever it is had been sitting in a bush eating my cucumbers ugh. This is why bob wire fences should be allowed in city limits.

 I have a full family of cucumber plants that have grown with no problems. So I’m building another fucking fence to keep people out. I went to water my separate bed and my giant ass scallop squash was gone. It was the size of a hippo’s ass already! I didn’t even get a pic. It was actually the size of a dinner plate but tell me have you ever seen a scallop squash that big? No,.. no I didn’t think so. The gem of my garden is gone. (these are the front yard squash not the back yard eaten by animal squash)

I have aphids all over remaining squash. Aphids are like the herpes of the garden world. This is why no butterflies have visited me. There probably all siting at a fucking Starbucks on a purple flower bush gossiping…” let’s not go to her garden, she has aphids ugh disgusting bitch”. I search my yard for lady bugs to take care of this problem naturally and found only one. I put it on the squash flower it promptly flew away, even miss lady bug was disgusted. So I went to my alternative and sprayed my bushes with soap and water. I don’t know if its working yet but I see tons of beetles running away so crossing my finger toes and lighting up my virgin Mary candle.

I pulled out the rest of my carrots. Luckily whoever has been molesting my garden has not noticed or realized he/she was stealing from a rainbow carrot gold mine. While pulling I see this lil pile of dirt in lil clumpies, a gopher is in my garden. I don’t see a full hole just the dug-up earth which kind of is a help as I am getting ready for the winter garden. I pulled up a few carrots beautiful orange and purples. I fucking love pulling up carrots omg! its amazing the way the earth clinging to the carrot smells it cannot be described with real words it’s just fucking fantastic. I pulled them up and up them away into my lil basket one carrot 2 carrot 3 6 8 9 and a fucking half. Yes, I said half the gopher is eating my carrots from underground. Leaving me with nubby ass little carrots. Ugg if it’s not people its insects if not insects its lil furry animals ruining my garden dream.

The nubby carrots and animal eaten squash then the full carrots 🙂


The bunny butt eating radish that refused to form into lil bulbs

Trowel Life

I’m running out of free water. I collected rain water this year because simply fuck the police. Jk. I think it’s legal now in California to collect rain water. I’m not super sure don’t take my word for it.

My life partner found four amazing pieces of wood at work in the trash pile again (work is so wasteful) already set for raised garden bed making, perfect lil squares. I didn’t put anything on the bottom to make it so the grass wouldn’t grow back and I’m regretting it. Three short days later grass grew so dam fast It was very easy to pull out. I can tell that asshole cat of mine has been tap dancing his butthole all over the dirt. I used my gardening tools to search for his secret nuggets and found one. It’s better than the mountain I found before I guess. I am still disappointed but o well can’t cover them all too much work needs to be done. I will still feed him my ungrateful cats treats.

I took all the dirt out again and sifted through it, added manure and tossed it around again added those lil white perlite pellets. I sprayed the bottoms of the bed with weed and grass killer, it says to wait three days before planting anything. So far looks good, every piece of grass that grew inside is dead. I then put down tons of newspapers. I read they keep weeds from growing we will see.

I tossed my dirt back in, I also covered the beds with this long plastic bag looking thing. I will not chance another animal disturbance.

Out of the garden news. My child called me 3 am claiming demons were in the house. I could hear this screeching so awful I left work. I go to this screeching and here it is.


 A lil fucking owl

It was so beautiful and majestic looking filled my soul with warmth. It’s now out in the world again.

My eyes told me lies

Remember how I said this beautiful cat was shitting in my garden and ripping my seedlings out. Turns out it’s my fucking cat!!!! My smooth 19-pound cashmere fur sweater feeling cat. I was cleaning my bedroom window and I saw him look back towards the house, look towards to road, then to the sky (probably asking his cat god for forgiveness) then right there steps over the wood, digs up a hole and shits right ware my eggplant is growing.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought maybe it was another cat who looked just like mine so I went out to make sure and he bolted to the back yard. I followed him, he jumped a fence, it’s so him. The fence before me gave him enough time to lay on the floor and pretend he was waking up from the most peaceful sleep of his life.

Oh and remember how I was 3 sister-ing it. Well like real sisters one decided to be a bitch and hog the spot light from the others and grew bigger then them all, now I have 1 sister lol. I will be restarting again just with corn, sun flowers and the beans to crawl up them. I don’t want to plant more squash until I kill what’s eating them.

It’s so hot today. I feel like I’m going to turn into an apple doll. I’m getting so sweaty, summer how dare you try to moisten me and all my lady parts.

My tiny eggplant that made me flip my lid its so cute


This Sunflower that took forever to grow

Not to be out done “Pook” the reason I have to replant my garden life over and over again

IMG_20170720_114033 (2)

The Killing

It happened again, those green caterpillars came into my garden life and ate so much of my plants. I pretty much want to take down my soda planters in the green house and hang myself for not being properly prepared. Guess what?!? I didn’t even grow the Chrysanthemums to keep the bugs away, I 180% forgot. I was too excited spray painting tin cans for my spice life that I just tossed my flower seeds to the other side of my brain.

My internet garden btw doing amazing, whole village is fed.

There is also something eating my squash and zucchini sprouts. I blocked everything and fenced it in so it can’t be bunny butt or my dogs, the teeth marks are super small. Has to be some kind of small rodent. You’d think because I have a cat, a sizeable cat that I wouldn’t have this problem but Big Grey doesn’t give a shit if I eat organic vegetables picked with my own hands this year. He only cares about laying in the sun and forcing me to fluff his dry cat food before he eats and threating a hunger strike if I don’t. Cutie Pie is the only one who cares. She’s been barking at a tiny hole for 2 weeks and I dismissed it as her being a dick as always (she’s a shitzu and likes to start shit).

Ugh. This is making me sad. I planted tons of tomatoes I thought I planted 4 diff types in this one bed but they all look the same like pear tomatoes. I don’t even really like tomatoes. I figured I would start liking them once I grew them but there ugly.

My dogs had an improv 2 Spartan warrior era lion fight in the green house knocking down at least 8 tins of spices that had sprouted making me start all over. Only plus side is the green house make things grow so much faster. Well I’m off to Ace, to get mouse traps and rat traps and gopher traps and figure this shit out.

This isn’t the caterpillar but I’m pretty sure there related, this must be its uncle.


and now I have a mealy bug infestation…..fucking great (those cute white puffs, bugs)


Planning ahead and behind

So I have officially caved in chicken wire will be going up.

Which I guess was coming anyway. My dogs have trampled the five whole carrot survivors to smithereens. Not only that but I have to keep covering certain plants so they would quit jumping in them. Covering them lead to this giant ass mushroom sprouting in the soil I guess from the moistness and not getting enough sun light. Totally thought about eating it but…..won’t chance it, it’s very brown and large almost jelly looking, like it could be swimming in the ocean.

So, as I sit here and goggle what Brussel sprout plants look like so I can give them enough space I think…….

I can’t wait till the farmer’s market were I will not purchase your fking heirloom tomatoes at 4.99lb. Why am I going then you ask? To show support to local small business duh. I WILL have a beautiful garden providing me with fresh veggies, herbs and fruits (so far has only provided pain in my soul)…. but I don’t have a smoked dog bone tree. I also want to generate ideas for next season. Maybe I’ll buy a few veggies and seed them who knows.

Garden visitor


Death in the garden

It rained today. Like poured, shower head coming out of the clouds type of rain. I stood outside feeling like the alien on “The faculty”. The cold wind in my face, leaves hitting my skin, my tentacles reaching out to collect the droplets of water to feed my dry soul. Then I remember I have clothes on the fucking line ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. All of them soaked I will not have panties for the next 3 days!!! just kidding mainly socks I think I’ll live.

My carrots died 😦 it has left a temporary hole in my soul. Being that its early in the season and I can replant them and have carrots this year still. I tended their green tops and fertilized their soil. I imagine this feeling is the same as when my school yard friend Alicia’s Tamagotchi family died and she cried all recess. Uggg garden life. All these fking roots. Why didn’t you suck up this water? I feel like Rocky screaming Adrian in that alley on what, what is it rocky 2 maybe? except I’m screaming why???!!!!  whhhhyyyyyy !!!!!!! my neighbor’s dog is barking at me. My dogs don’t care as they are used to my behavior already and my constant bickering at them to get their life together and contribute to the family garden.

 My grass grew up to my knees and I refuse to cut it, it’s so wet with all this much needed but pissing me off rain. Other than that, I was pretty excited today. This beautiful orange stripped cat has been coming to my grass to hop around and just be a cute ass. I love him, I want to bring him in but my other cats would die of jealously. They already need their own bowl of food each because god forbid the other cat breath on his kibble.

I started de-weeding my soil in the wooden box outside. Thinking about the cat and all his fluffy tailness. Then I spotted it. Cat shit! in my fucking garden. In my potato bag. In my everything that had dirt. He has come to my yard to shit and distract me with his look at my fluffy ass. I’m going to just lounge and sun bathe in your yard. Reality being soon as you walk inside Ima jump jump jump to the side of your house and crap on your plants. Fuck this cat. I just noticed as well he has been ripping out my plant children, seedlings every ware. I am going to find out ware he lives.


A survivor from last year this year


There he is, the garden shitter

Come back to me.

I know I know…it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything and no my garden did not die…. yet. ha. I’ve been writing not editing or posting so I’m super behind but I’m still going to post past events. My garden mistakes can be your tomato plant saviors. So this will go pretty fast through a few seasons, crap weather and animals ruining my life o and people. Let’s get started.

Imagine a warm beautiful sunny day. The birds are chirping, wind is low, all the falling leaves missed your yard, neighbors minding their own fucking business. Then your garden comes into view. Who the fuck took a shit on the side of my yard?! Right there …. there on the pavement. So, I know this isn’t garden related but it did happen in my garden 5 feet away from my potato growing fabric sack. I put a lock on my fence this will never happen again. Ever ever ever. I stop the ground while refusing to pick this shit up. I will just not look in that direction until nature runs its course and the poo just magically disappears into the wind. (It dried up pretty fast) I used a piece of cardboard to move it out onto the street so the city can pick this filth up with the street cleaning machine thing.

Ugh. Ongoing.

I planted carrots last year and when I watered the seeds they floated towards one side of the garden bed. But when I say “I planted” I mean I tossed seeds on the top of fluffed soil thinking they would just bury themselves in like little cats snuggling blankets, they did not. They turned into lil boats and floated away. This year I have started them off in egg cartons. I laid the carton in my raised bed cut them to size then added soil and seeds there perfectly spaced apart. Then I moved them to the green house to sprout, it’s still to rainy and cold then sunny. Just to unpredictable to grow them outside.

I did a rainbow mix carrot seed and a barrel carrot. The barrel ones grow small and round and the picture looks cute. So there’s my main reason for growing that type. The rainbow one I just really love, there so fun looking and brighten up any meal and my bunny looks like a crazy cannibal after eating the red ones ❤

I also started some watermelon radish in the tubs, I went to a Korean bbq spot and they had radish paper, just plain white and fucking tasty. The seeds I purchased grow green radish with a red inside. I’m hoping to make my own radish paper and pull them out at our Sunday family bbqs along with the peen shaped chilies I’m growing ahhhhhh. I’m to excited to force feed my family dick shaped chilies with cream cheese and bacon inside.  TO EXCITED ❤

I will close this short comeback segment with this unwanted visitor.

(Its kind of cute with its lil eye sticks)