Goth Garden

I wanted to do a goth garden this year, black flowers, black leaves, and black planters. The only thing goth about my garden is everything is dead. My giant gladiolus was supposed to be black flowers, I even paid extra, and they are bright fucking red. So goth garden in process….I will add as it comes together.

Other than that, one color disappointment everything seemed to be going well. I started the season off pretty good. All the seedlings sprouted, everything in their cute lil rows. But when it came to picking, they were stubby. I only did root veggies, and everything was short. After I picked it out, I realized my dirt is super compacted. Like super-super even though I felt I did a good job mixing soil, adding perlite and compost its hard like a dam street.

So, I dug it all up. Everything!!! Tossed all the plants I was waiting to grow into fabric growing bins and did a total rehaul on the raised beds. I dug down a foot, added cardboard, then wood, then yard scraps/leaves, then random dirt, amended soil mixed nice dirt, all their nutrients and now I’m ready to go.

The yard smells like someone took a shit in it. The compost was wet in the bags and its awful plus the steer and chicken manure didn’t help.

While I wait for the garden to settle (I feel all the nutrients and manure will burn the plants I have waiting in the green house) I’m going to do some fucking DIY garden décor.

Every year Halloween I raid the shelves for tiny things I can use in the garden for décor at the dollar tree and 99 only store.

I got a lil pile of tiny skeletons and skulls at the dollar tree, went to Michaels and got the pricier butterfly’s (use a coupon!!) Boom now we have fairies!!!

Material needed: Glue Gun, String, Fancy beads optional, Skeletons, Butterfly wings, sticks also optional, found random craft supplies to add.

Random material I found in the craft box
Glue it however you want!!! I used the antennas from the butterfly’s and glued them to the skulls instead and cut the wings off the butterfly’s and glued them to the back of the skeletons and skulls it held better that way 🙂 and done

Excited as always to show my garden ups/downs and decor with you :).

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It grows cats

I wanted a garden this season. I really did, it started out fine. I grew lettuce up the ass, three whole purple cabbage and sprouted tons upon tons of seedlings: carrots, onions, radish, cucumbers, peas, tomatoes, squash all of it. Then the city tree that lingers above my garden decided to have the biggest infestation of mealy bugs I have ever seen in my life. Tons of cute tiny ass fluffy ass bugs all over the place. Sucking the tree near dry, dripping juice everywhere. Nothing is not sticky, every blade of grass, dropped leaf, tool and chair feels like maple syrup. The lady bugs assisted with nothing. They skipped my yard entirely. I saw them having gang bangs in every yard but mine. It’s awful even the sidewalk is sticky, my crocs go qwip qwip qwip every step.

Then two momma cats decided this was their garden and there were going to have their babies in my bushes. I love animals, I love cats, I love racoons, every fur creature is welcome to my home just stay out my garden. But no, kittens galore I put up a white fencing material it worked for the adult cats. Once the babies started walking it was over. Every seeding dug up, crapping all over the place. Only a handful of plants survived, and I can count them on 1 hand. So that’s the garden, a squash plant, a tomato plant. a luffa gourd plant, a bell pepper plant and a random Swiss chard that is growing on the lawn.

I did catch the kittens fixed them and found them new homes. One of the momma cats is fixed the other one came back preggers again, so she is a 2 litter a year cat and needs to be fixed as well. Ugh. Hopefully, my winter garden it’s a winter wonderland of actual plants.

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I found these on the side of HWY 25

The non existent garden

The city came and cut the trees. I was excited, this brings so much sun into the side yard where most of the garden is supposed to grow. A small branch fell on my glass table and it broke. Not only did it break all the plants on the table. A branch fell and tossed all my artichoke plants into the sky and to who knows ware. They city workers knocked and said sorry so whatever. I got the table for free from my neighbor when they moved.

 I have these onions and these radish every ware sprouting in random areas. They never grow to their full potential, most of the seeds fall into cracks or onto the horrible hard soil. All the seeds that blew away have decided to grow. All purposefully planted seeds rarely show up to the plant party. It could be because I garden when I choose to garden and not when the plant calendar says I should. I know it’s not correct and I will not have as many yields but when the frost is gone and the sunshine burns holes into my ice heart, I assume its time. Then its frost again and rain and a hour of sun, more frost than a day so hot the devil himself is probably in front of an air conditioner.

It’s supposed to rain. But who knows, every time my eyes close it rains. When I go to sleep it’s raining, when I walk outside and blink rain hits my eyelids, open my eyes no rain. I don’t know what’s going on. I never see this rain.

End thoughts.

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This year.

I did like Brittany Spears today and “I worked bitch” digging up garden beds mixing soil before the rain comes and drowns my soul. I am excited! always planning my garden life, over imagining the fruits of my labor. This year I will not count my chickens before the eggs hatch because there is still a profoundly serious threat of raccoons, gophers, cats, dogs, that drunk guy in the bush and the lady who stole all my veggies last year. BUT I built the fence, posts on end I said I was going to build a fence and this year I did. (my life partner did, I take full credit as it was my idea. I also imagined myself building it therefore manifesting its existence ha). The garden is safe-ish.

The fence has not stopped children from jumping into my yard and trying to touch my kittens, but it should stop the garden thieves. Plus, who’s going to steal half dead plants? Only a complete asshole but then that might be what I’m dealing with. I also rebuilt my garden beds.  The internet is making me rush. I see all these gardens and I’m like nooooo I am soooo behind!!!!!!!!!!! Their plants are a whole inch, mine seeds aren’t even in the dirt yet. Is it even time? I don’t know.

My garden is currently a sun bed for the neighborhood cats. Its fine, everything is dead.

  I love my new shovel. Not as pricy as the last one but I stole that one from my parents’ house, so karma drop kicked me in the face and broke it, halting my work. But I feel it in my bones and in my eyelash hairs this is my fucking YEAR! I’m cold. I wish gardening wasn’t so weathery. Its either to hot or too cold or its just right but then I go to my real job when its perfect gardening weather.

Fuck it trowel life.

Progress in the garden this new year to date:

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I think I finally did it. I left something in my front yard long enough for someone to steal it. My life partner Paul told me to stop leaving stuff out. But as the main food grower in this house I do what I dam want. So now my heavy duty loopers are gone (those long branch cutters). I had to use a baby hack saw to clear enough space to reach my neglected and heavy black pots. I got them for free in someone’s yard a few years ago and have maybe planted in them twice. Once the bushes grew over them, I pretended they didn’t exist.

I keep digging my carrots up. They are not ready, but I want to see them. There taking too long to grow I want to visibly monitor their progress. This is probably why their tops are so huge and the carrot is like a baby worm.

Today is just a fucking day of omg look! omg I grew this! omg what the hell is that!!! and whhhhyyyyy wwwhhyyyyyyy????

The leaks I planted last year decided to grow this year to full size. Now that I’m a professional leak grower I get ask a lot of questions like……….I don’t ..I don’t get asked. Ask me! assskkkk!

Growing leeks without knowing will now be listed as one of my many professional garden accomplishments, along with not screaming at my shovel to dig better. (baby steps)

Step 1: Ignore them. Clearly, they are attention whores and do not grow while you watch. Instead they grow in one full spurt. So, you over douse them with eyes at the end.

 Step 2: Let them starve for attention, water, sun, and nutrients.

Bam soon as your attention is gone, they will want it so bad they will be the size of a ruler. So maybe they thrive on neglect? not attention. Either way they grew that is all that matters now. There will be leek soup all winter. That is all I really know to do with them.

We are supposed to have rain. I love walking in the rain. When I want to walk in the rain not when I’m going to the grocery store or getting something out of my car, going to work, etc. It must be under my circumstances.

I need to clean my yard. Every season I say this is the time I’m going to clean as I go. I will pull out a dead ass plant and toss it into the compost. Use up a soil bag and toss the bag in the trash. Open my garden tools, toss out all the packaging. Yet this season and seasons passed I just toss everything to the floor. There’s cement all over my back yard you wouldn’t know with all the spilled potting soil everywhere and plastic bags galore flying in the wind like lil ghost.

I’m excited every season to get my garden life together this time for sure

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Don’t trust the tomato plant.

I love using those cage things for plants. I always do it a little to dam late, after I noticed they might need support and it’s the same plants every year sooo if you’re wondering “When should I cage my tomatoes”? well do it as soon as it sprouts so you’re not damaging it after or so you don’t forget like me and its half way on the floor. If you do forget you can always take a stick, pole, or other long item and slide it by stem of plant and use cord to tie it up. I went to my neighbor’s yard and stole a branch. Will they be mad? Probably, it’s an expensive tree. Do I care? No, no..and no. I saw them let their dog shit in my yard the other day soooo my branch. I saw you Sharon! Just kidding that’s not her name. It’s Debra or something similar. But she does this a lot under the cover of night.

I tried multiple varieties of tomatoes last year and this year I bought “Container” tomato seeds. As you can tell by the name and the short blurb about the plant on the seed packets this was supposed to be a tiny, cute and dainty but well producing tomato plant. The type you could plant on a balcony and still have room for a garden chair or out on a hefty windowsill and still have room for a spice garden and make salsa all summer. You have a small apartment? perfect this seed packet is for you!!

Why go into so much detail about what you could have with this tomato plant? well because it’s a fucking lie!

Don’t trust tomato plants! Any of them. I’m on year 3 of making the same mistake. My thoughts: this cute dainty tomato plant, this year will be different, finally a tomato plant that will share the space with the rest of my garden. No. the container tomato plant is well over a foot into its neighbors. My tiny plants can’t even get nutrients. The tomato plant is like “hey, hey, hey is that sun and fresh worm tea? Get out of the fucking way its mine. That soil its mine, lady bugs mine to. You can have all the aphids though those are gross”.

The tomato plant is the big prisoner the has busted out the wire cage garden barrio. Bullying the rest of the plants for there treats, outdoor time and showers.

Shame on you tomato plant.


Its engulfed its wire support, you can see the tiny black one I tried to straighten it with

20190821_144931Overall not to bad, producing a lot. Just taking more space then it said.



Swamp Garden

I’m sitting here watching murder shows on I.D. rain hitting my windows, wind blowing more leaves into my yard. Every time I step outside something blows into my face. Example: yesterday a plastic bag tried to suffocate me.

Everything is over wet. There’s mud every ware, my lawn is to my knees and I can’t plant anything outside. My garden life’s a mess, my yards a swamp, spirts are at an all-time low. I keep throwing potatoes out screaming “grow babies, grows ware ever u fall… Live with the flower babies”. Forget I tossed them out. Then I go into my yard and I’m like who the fuck tossed a potato here.

I found little collections of water with mosquito larva’s. Every planter that collected water has them. I can’t pour them out fast enough. All this rain is refilling them so quick and there back like they’ve been here for years.

Ahhhhhh garden life.

I have seedlings inside under lights so far it has been pretty good. But like always we Will see. I forgot they were under lights a month ago and came back to dry lil curled up strings. The panels on the green house flew away again so I bought tape, siding tape soooo excited for everything to be dry. My dragon fruit is plump as fuck but still doing nothing other than getting longer. When does the fruit come into my life.


I got new crocs and a new garden fanny or work belt, whatever it is either way new things, new shovel, new out look on the weather maybe?



Holding the rain the weather man said we were not geting.

F-ing new year

Guess what my news year’s resolution was for 2018? To get my garden life together!!!! What better time to start then a few days before the years end. I took all my notes and drawings of what I imagined I would accomplish this year and merge them all into a 2-day semi fun filled pile of work. Everything is muddy as hell the rain has come and gone come again for 2 seconds and gone like rushed porn scene.

 My neighbors across the way got a new cat. You know how I can tell? Cat shit in the garden again and compost pile. I forgot to cover it since I didn’t have to, the cats around the block and I have an agreement. I put out the food they shit in someone else yard.

I decided to put the wire mesh material over the actual bed instead of the sides like a fence. I think his fat fluffy ass is jumping on the brick wall jumping into the dirt then jumping back. I laid the fence material down thinking yes this is grand. I brought my grey cat out to test this new way of garden life and no he can not shit there. Your probably thinking perfect finally I will never read about cat shit in the garden again and this is true. But now you will hear of leaves. Leaves!!! Every ware. Soon as raked up there piles of leaves and put the wire down they managed to squeeze there wide body’s in the tiny holes. Ugh. Will this never end? I just want a garden that looks like it’s being maintained by fairies and clean trolls.


Ugh. So, I will now rush myself into the phase I was going to try out in the summer. I’m going to build a pvc pipe and green house material coverup thing for the raised beds in the front yard. I will be back….



 I measured twice, cut once. Clearly measured wrong now I need another pipe. I couldn’t find all the parts I needed so I used hot glue. Horrible idea, I burnt my fingers and the pipes didn’t stick.

I now have all the parts I need after going to another store and find pieces that would randomly stick together. Eeeeeeee excited. I used pvc pipe glue, its like super glue I couldn’t move the pipe after I put the glue on and placed it so its wonky as fuck. 😦 I couldn’t get netting any ware it town so I ordered on amazon.

Other then the plastic cover its done and its grand as long as the wind doesn’t take it away like it did my trampoline I should be on my merry gardening way.



I grew a fucking JICAMA!!!!!


I’m back like Freddy

I should be searching for next semester classes but instead I’m explaining to my coworker how Instagram makes me self-conscious about my garden. It’s weird I read articles’ all day about how it makes people body conscious, but instead of questioning why Jenny rack is bigger than mine. I’m over here like are these carrots fucking real? How much illegal fertilizer are they using to bloat up those fat ass squash. What color green is that? is that paint?

It rained today btw (it’s been raining while I sleep for days). I went outside and held out my hands to moisten my inner sea witch. My summer garden is still clinging to life as winter takes ahold of my soul. I didn’t think they would make it this long, but the frost is barely coming. Today actually was the first day a light frost came over the lawn that magically grew in my front yard.

 I have tried to make tomato sauce almost 10x already and have not succeeded.

I cleaned out one garden bed ware my pile of malnourished radish and forgotten carrots laid. Summer just wasn’t my summer for variety. I over planted tomatoes and they took up the whole garden stealing sun from any plant I dare put within 2ft of them. I bought a miscellaneous chili plant and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. It looks like a baby tree and offers a great bounty. All the chilis look like un-circumcised dicks. So overall, I had eggplant, tomato, my chive scrap garden, water melon, honey dew and random chilis. I guess that’s ok. I really wanted my radish to come out, but another year of none.

Last year I had butterflies and lady bugs up the ass. This year I haven’t seen crap except dirty moths and aphid dicks all over the garden. This must be why I only grew one melon. 1 beautiful melon the most beautiful melon I’ve ever seen. Three melons in all grew but I didn’t notice the other two. They hid under the tomato plant and gophers ate them. Even as they lay cracked open their sweet smell filled my nostrils. I bet that gopher would taste just as sweet cooked on an open flame.

Less cussing working on myself <3. Jk. Just couldn’t fit fuck any ware.


I find it crazy how they barely move but do so much damage.


I had tons of spiders this season. Fancy lil striped leggings


The garden in my soul..

Today I said fuck this garden. I didn’t mean it but now all the blossoms on my cherry tree have fallen. Maybe it was me, maybe it was this hot as hell green house that reached over a fucking 100. Well I will never know and I will also not have cherries.

The new green house is up. These below in the picture are all the extra pieces in case anything flies off or gets lost.


Jk there are all the pieces I didn’t know where the hell they go so fuck it. It’s a bag full but the instructions were complete crap. Literally a picture with over a hundred numbers. Some of the holes to put the screws in are missing or an inch away from ware they should be. I had to drill them myself. I know I could have sent it back, but I was half way through and I’m a handy bitch so holes I made. Lesson learned though I will never again buy a knock off Harbor Freight green house to save 200 dollars. You know what I will, 200 is a lot and I’ve done this once and succeeded.

I don’t know how people could grow food in Alaska. I can barely grow leeks in California winter. Well I did grow like five things but I’m watching shows and their growing berries, lettuce, sunflowers, tomatoes, onions and fucking orange trees! In the snow! I’m pretty sure I grew my first brussel sprout tree thing. It looks like it, but the stem or trunk is crooked as all hell so I’m not sure, but I am sure it looks like tiny brussels are coming off the sides. So, I am just going to say it I planted a crooked brussels sprout tree and it’s the cutest most prize piece of my garden today. Tomorrow I probably won’t care anymore. Something new will sprout and I’ll lose my mind again.


My neighbor’s cat, he’s a large grey cat with no tail weights about 20 lbs. came into my garden and dug a hole like he was trying to reach the center of the earth. He didn’t even shit in the garden he just dug out every single melon seedling. He didn’t discriminate all honey dew gone, watermelon gone and the unlabeled seeds that looked like melon seeds gone. I really can’t believe this trash. (I’m working on my cussing it’s a long process) I sprinkled salt, put jars of water out to scare him like every one of my hard core Mexican tias and neighbors swear by. His family is white he clearly doesn’t give a shit about Mexican garden voodoo. That is until I summon the Chupacabra and the CuCui to handle this fur monster.

I’ve been watering these flower seeds I got last month. Its this cute mix of tons of pink flowers. I only ever do sun flower so these flowers I’m excited about. There not sprouting at all. Yet the strawberry plant I let die in the back of the green house who just so happened to get a sprits of rain water one time two weeks ago it already growing a baby bush. I added more seeds, more water and some mulch. I thought maybe the soil was getting dry, I don’t know. There in the rain gutter garden. I love it its cute but I feel like something is stealing all the water I put in there if that makes any sense

I walked across my yard in my new crocs and stepped all over shit again. Ugh. Now I know why every time I walk my dogs I see signs in yards “I see you and your dog your on camera now”. As soon as those signs went up I noticed shit all over my yard. That person must have changed their route and now the shit stop is my house.


My cat Big Grey Al being a model


Pepperchini pretending to be interested in the new greenhouse building supplies. The green house after the wind blew it apart (I put the pieces to hold the panels in wrong)