Trowel Life

I’m running out of free water. I collected rain water this year because simply fuck the police. Jk. I think it’s legal now in California to collect rain water. I’m not super sure don’t take my word for it.

My life partner found four amazing pieces of wood at work in the trash pile again (work is so wasteful) already set for raised garden bed making, perfect lil squares. I didn’t put anything on the bottom to make it so the grass wouldn’t grow back and I’m regretting it. Three short days later grass grew so dam fast It was very easy to pull out. I can tell that asshole cat of mine has been tap dancing his butthole all over the dirt. I used my gardening tools to search for his secret nuggets and found one. It’s better than the mountain I found before I guess. I am still disappointed but o well can’t cover them all too much work needs to be done. I will still feed him my ungrateful cats treats.

I took all the dirt out again and sifted through it, added manure and tossed it around again added those lil white perlite pellets. I sprayed the bottoms of the bed with weed and grass killer, it says to wait three days before planting anything. So far looks good, every piece of grass that grew inside is dead. I then put down tons of newspapers. I read they keep weeds from growing we will see.

I tossed my dirt back in, I also covered the beds with this long plastic bag looking thing. I will not chance another animal disturbance.

Out of the garden news. My child called me 3 am claiming demons were in the house. I could hear this screeching so awful I left work. I go to this screeching and here it is.

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 A lil fucking owl

It was so beautiful and majestic looking filled my soul with warmth. It’s now out in the world again.

My eyes told me lies

Remember how I said this beautiful cat was shitting in my garden and ripping my seedlings out. Turns out it’s my fucking cat!!!! My smooth 19-pound cashmere fur sweater feeling cat. I was cleaning my bedroom window and I saw him look back towards the house, look towards to road, then to the sky (probably asking his cat god for forgiveness) then right there steps over the wood, digs up a hole and shits right ware my eggplant is growing.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought maybe it was another cat who looked just like mine so I went out to make sure and he bolted to the back yard. I followed him, he jumped a fence, it’s so him. The fence before me gave him enough time to lay on the floor and pretend he was waking up from the most peaceful sleep of his life.

Oh and remember how I was 3 sister-ing it. Well like real sisters one decided to be a bitch and hog the spot light from the others and grew bigger then them all, now I have 1 sister lol. I will be restarting again just with corn, sun flowers and the beans to crawl up them. I don’t want to plant more squash until I kill what’s eating them.

It’s so hot today. I feel like I’m going to turn into an apple doll. I’m getting so sweaty, summer how dare you try to moisten me and all my lady parts.

My tiny eggplant that made me flip my lid its so cute

and

This Sunflower that took forever to grow

Not to be out done “Pook” the reason I have to replant my garden life over and over again

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The Killing

It happened again, those green caterpillars came into my garden life and ate so much of my plants. I pretty much want to take down my soda planters in the green house and hang myself for not being properly prepared. Guess what?!? I didn’t even grow the Chrysanthemums to keep the bugs away, I 180% forgot. I was too excited spray painting tin cans for my spice life that I just tossed my flower seeds to the other side of my brain.

My internet garden btw doing amazing, whole village is fed.

There is also something eating my squash and zucchini sprouts. I blocked everything and fenced it in so it can’t be bunny butt or my dogs, the teeth marks are super small. Has to be some kind of small rodent. You’d think because I have a cat, a sizeable cat that I wouldn’t have this problem but Big Grey doesn’t give a shit if I eat organic vegetables picked with my own hands this year. He only cares about laying in the sun and forcing me to fluff his dry cat food before he eats and threating a hunger strike if I don’t. Cutie Pie is the only one who cares. She’s been barking at a tiny hole for 2 weeks and I dismissed it as her being a dick as always (she’s a shitzu and likes to start shit).

Ugh. This is making me sad. I planted tons of tomatoes I thought I planted 4 diff types in this one bed but they all look the same like pear tomatoes. I don’t even really like tomatoes. I figured I would start liking them once I grew them but there ugly.

My dogs had an improv 2 Spartan warrior era lion fight in the green house knocking down at least 8 tins of spices that had sprouted making me start all over. Only plus side is the green house make things grow so much faster. Well I’m off to Ace, to get mouse traps and rat traps and gopher traps and figure this shit out.

This isn’t the caterpillar but I’m pretty sure there related, this must be its uncle.

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and now I have a mealy bug infestation…..fucking great (those cute white puffs, bugs)

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Planning ahead and behind

So I have officially caved in chicken wire will be going up.

Which I guess was coming anyway. My dogs have trampled the five whole carrot survivors to smithereens. Not only that but I have to keep covering certain plants so they would quit jumping in them. Covering them lead to this giant ass mushroom sprouting in the soil I guess from the moistness and not getting enough sun light. Totally thought about eating it but…..won’t chance it, it’s very brown and large almost jelly looking, like it could be swimming in the ocean.

So, as I sit here and goggle what Brussel sprout plants look like so I can give them enough space I think…….

I can’t wait till the farmer’s market were I will not purchase your fking heirloom tomatoes at 4.99lb. Why am I going then you ask? To show support to local small business duh. I WILL have a beautiful garden providing me with fresh veggies, herbs and fruits (so far has only provided pain in my soul)…. but I don’t have a smoked dog bone tree. I also want to generate ideas for next season. Maybe I’ll buy a few veggies and seed them who knows.

Garden visitor

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Death in the garden

It rained today. Like poured, shower head coming out of the clouds type of rain. I stood outside feeling like the alien on “The faculty”. The cold wind in my face, leaves hitting my skin, my tentacles reaching out to collect the droplets of water to feed my dry soul. Then I remember I have clothes on the fucking line ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. All of them soaked I will not have panties for the next 3 days!!! just kidding mainly socks I think I’ll live.

My carrots died 😦 it has left a temporary hole in my soul. Being that its early in the season and I can replant them and have carrots this year still. I tended their green tops and fertilized their soil. I imagine this feeling is the same as when my school yard friend Alicia’s Tamagotchi family died and she cried all recess. Uggg garden life. All these fking roots. Why didn’t you suck up this water? I feel like Rocky screaming Adrian in that alley on what, what is it rocky 2 maybe? except I’m screaming why???!!!!  whhhhyyyyyy !!!!!!! my neighbor’s dog is barking at me. My dogs don’t care as they are used to my behavior already and my constant bickering at them to get their life together and contribute to the family garden.

 My grass grew up to my knees and I refuse to cut it, it’s so wet with all this much needed but pissing me off rain. Other than that, I was pretty excited today. This beautiful orange stripped cat has been coming to my grass to hop around and just be a cute ass. I love him, I want to bring him in but my other cats would die of jealously. They already need their own bowl of food each because god forbid the other cat breath on his kibble.

I started de-weeding my soil in the wooden box outside. Thinking about the cat and all his fluffy tailness. Then I spotted it. Cat shit! in my fucking garden. In my potato bag. In my everything that had dirt. He has come to my yard to shit and distract me with his look at my fluffy ass. I’m going to just lounge and sun bathe in your yard. Reality being soon as you walk inside Ima jump jump jump to the side of your house and crap on your plants. Fuck this cat. I just noticed as well he has been ripping out my plant children, seedlings every ware. I am going to find out ware he lives.

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A survivor from last year this year

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There he is, the garden shitter

Come back to me.

I know I know…it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything and no my garden did not die…. yet. ha. I’ve been writing not editing or posting so I’m super behind but I’m still going to post past events. My garden mistakes can be your tomato plant saviors. So this will go pretty fast through a few seasons, crap weather and animals ruining my life o and people. Let’s get started.

Imagine a warm beautiful sunny day. The birds are chirping, wind is low, all the falling leaves missed your yard, neighbors minding their own fucking business. Then your garden comes into view. Who the fuck took a shit on the side of my yard?! Right there …. there on the pavement. So, I know this isn’t garden related but it did happen in my garden 5 feet away from my potato growing fabric sack. I put a lock on my fence this will never happen again. Ever ever ever. I stop the ground while refusing to pick this shit up. I will just not look in that direction until nature runs its course and the poo just magically disappears into the wind. (It dried up pretty fast) I used a piece of cardboard to move it out onto the street so the city can pick this filth up with the street cleaning machine thing.

Ugh. Ongoing.

I planted carrots last year and when I watered the seeds they floated towards one side of the garden bed. But when I say “I planted” I mean I tossed seeds on the top of fluffed soil thinking they would just bury themselves in like little cats snuggling blankets, they did not. They turned into lil boats and floated away. This year I have started them off in egg cartons. I laid the carton in my raised bed cut them to size then added soil and seeds there perfectly spaced apart. Then I moved them to the green house to sprout, it’s still to rainy and cold then sunny. Just to unpredictable to grow them outside.

I did a rainbow mix carrot seed and a barrel carrot. The barrel ones grow small and round and the picture looks cute. So there’s my main reason for growing that type. The rainbow one I just really love, there so fun looking and brighten up any meal and my bunny looks like a crazy cannibal after eating the red ones ❤

I also started some watermelon radish in the tubs, I went to a Korean bbq spot and they had radish paper, just plain white and fucking tasty. The seeds I purchased grow green radish with a red inside. I’m hoping to make my own radish paper and pull them out at our Sunday family bbqs along with the peen shaped chilies I’m growing ahhhhhh. I’m to excited to force feed my family dick shaped chilies with cream cheese and bacon inside.  TO EXCITED ❤

I will close this short comeback segment with this unwanted visitor.

(Its kind of cute with its lil eye sticks)

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choke me.

I bought artichoke seeds today and fabric root bags, I guess that’s what they’re called. I’m using those for my plants that last all year and need protection from the shitty weather we’ve been experiencing. I’m also going to build a lil cinder block shelf so I can sprout more plants since I went and got the bigger cups now I have no space. I needed the shelf anyway if I’m going to successfully grow tons of different types of plants this year. My chamomile seeds sprouted!! can’t say I’m not super beyond excited. Last year none of my chamomile seeds sprouted at all, this year is showing signs of improvement, mint green thumb slowing turning into a bridge trolls green thumb.

 I took my fur babies to get groomed today so I had plenty of time and no one to grab my things away, So pretty productive overall. I printed labels out for my plastic cups and taped them on. No water has damaged them yet and its legible unlike my hand written labels. I will try to do this more I really like seeing the perfect lil print the cups. (chances are I won’t stick with it cuz I’m a busy bee)

I was so excited about my artichoke seeds I googled “when will they be ready for my consumption” and I got a shitload of articles on eating placenta wtf? I realized I didn’t ask a question on artichokes, just a basic consumption question lol. So re-questioned with artichokes in mind and success and disappointment spilled out my brains. It will take a year for my bush to provide me with any chokes. So I will not be an artichoke harvester this year, maybe next </3 on the bright side on the police do not cross tape I will be a harvester of tomatoes and carrots for sure and peas those plants seem to be sprouting like weeds. I pray for no weeds and Salma Hayek’s rack will see what happens first ha.

Sprouted so far

And this guy black tomato plant looking like a lil lock ness monster

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