I bet your wondering. Yvette ……with all these garden mishaps, why or why do you still garden? and simply I can put it as the sun comes up and I feel the need, the need to create and grow and make this world a more beautiful and fruitful place. Just kidding.
It’s because I pretty much feel like I’m a mermaid but a woodland fairy as well therefore I will make this green thumb catch a spark and work this year. fucking work thumb. Also because I want “TO CATCH” (in a net or other trap) the person who robbed my garden on camera. So garden = catching thief, also using the new seeds I bought. Hopefully cross your fingers. I’ve decided to put up motion lights to deter the night time menace. I’ve made numerous upgrades which I will lead us through now…..or later I have plans on plans on plans on paper and in my brain. We will get to everything together
My greenhouse isn’t taking this cold, wet, hot weather very well. I guess weather in general. I can see tons of lil holes. I did buy a new cover I’m just waiting for the mail to deliver it to me.
I find myself complaining about my winter garden often. It’s not even winter yet. I had to google when winter was. I just assumed because I freeze to death every night and every dam house has Christmas lights up, it must be winter. I was getting ready for the change in season and some asshole decided to help me out by falling over my fence into my huge tomato bushes barely missing my purple tomatillo plant. Now I’m down three bushes. They fell on top of tons of plastic forks I put in the dirt to keep the cats away. I hope they forked there eye out. I didn’t even take a picture of that area it looked like a “real garden” you know the garden you imagine in your head when you plant your seeds. My imaginary garden waters and weeds itself but this raised bed was as close to my idea as possible. I’m getting ready for my winter garden so super beyond excited but also sick of my shovel and my hose and this tree blocking all my dam sun light.
List of things to do:
Recover my green house
Reclaim yard from the leaf menace
All else can wait.
The tomato’s I was able to salavage from my smushed plants.
Tiny left over carrot from last years bunch and some gross bugs with big bodies and tiny plant stomping legs.
My two beautiful tomato plants have been trampled, they were both over four feet tall. Something walked all over them and broke them in half. I don’t know what it is, my traps have caught nothing. I’ve been spraying mint every ware its suppose to make mice, rodents and raccoons disappear. My only thought now is that a group of garden gnomes must come alive at night and make the long commute from the house three blocks away to jump my fence, ransack my yard and dump cat shit every ware.
After weeks of blaming my neighbors’ orange cat for shitting on my plants and wishing nothing but herpes upon them and then realizing its my own cat I’ve come to my next conclusion. It’s the fucking both of them. I’ve seen them both doing it they must be taking turns ruining my life. This weather has been crap 95 today 104 tomorrow then it rained wtf? is it fall or are we still in summer.
My back-yard garden was the biggest casualty of the earths ever changing mind. All my spices burnt to hell, everything in the green house wilted! Even with all the water I poured before class, after class, before work, all day flooding them with water. I was keeping them hydrated like they were Olympic sprinters
My side yard garden doing amazingly, I can’t say I’m not growing porn star quality cucumbers because it’s pretty dam clear I am ;). It’s going so dam good on the side I’m going to plant more there. I just need to build this dam fence to keep the people sized garden thieves out.
I had to buy a litter scoop and scoop my dirt. Some asshole tossed a pile of rocks into my garden. Where the hell do you get random rocks around here? The river is over ten miles away.
I didn’t realize how hard it is to put up chicken wire. The internet makes things look to dam easy. I did a pretty horrible job. It doesn’t look like any cats or dogs will make it in so it has met its purpose to keep the fur monsters out of the future cite of my veggies. Now how to keep the gnomes out ha. Will see.
My small bounty
Never ending amount of uninvited guests.
I didn’t know snails could eat so much.
Pretty sure the rabbit got out and ate the cucumbers.
You can tell someone has been river dancing all over my dirt. My cover blew off into the wind and out into the world. Ugg flip flops and sprinkling plants with water doesn’t mix. My feet look like I’m a hobbit minus the hair. Just dirty feet gross.
I’m behind on my garden life between the animals eating all my plants, my cat shitting and ripping out all my fucking seedlings. Not to mention the people robbing me of my organic goods then eating them in my yard. I visited my garden to find all my cumbers gone, roughly around 10. I start cleaning and notice a huge hole in my bushes ware someone has been siting and eating fucking snacks and drinking a crisp 40 oz. Corona. All their trash is there. In the piles of trash are lil cucumber tops, this asshole whoever it is had been sitting in a bush eating my cucumbers ugh. This is why bob wire fences should be allowed in city limits.
I have a full family of cucumber plants that have grown with no problems. So I’m building another fucking fence to keep people out. I went to water my separate bed and my giant ass scallop squash was gone. It was the size of a hippo’s ass already! I didn’t even get a pic. It was actually the size of a dinner plate but tell me have you ever seen a scallop squash that big? No,.. no I didn’t think so. The gem of my garden is gone. (these are the front yard squash not the back yard eaten by animal squash)
I have aphids all over remaining squash. Aphids are like the herpes of the garden world. This is why no butterflies have visited me. There probably all siting at a fucking Starbucks on a purple flower bush gossiping…” let’s not go to her garden, she has aphids ugh disgusting bitch”. I search my yard for lady bugs to take care of this problem naturally and found only one. I put it on the squash flower it promptly flew away, even miss lady bug was disgusted. So I went to my alternative and sprayed my bushes with soap and water. I don’t know if its working yet but I see tons of beetles running away so crossing my finger toes and lighting up my virgin Mary candle.
I pulled out the rest of my carrots. Luckily whoever has been molesting my garden has not noticed or realized he/she was stealing from a rainbow carrot gold mine. While pulling I see this lil pile of dirt in lil clumpies, a gopher is in my garden. I don’t see a full hole just the dug-up earth which kind of is a help as I am getting ready for the winter garden. I pulled up a few carrots beautiful orange and purples. I fucking love pulling up carrots omg! its amazing the way the earth clinging to the carrot smells it cannot be described with real words it’s just fucking fantastic. I pulled them up and up them away into my lil basket one carrot 2 carrot 3 6 8 9 and a fucking half. Yes, I said half the gopher is eating my carrots from underground. Leaving me with nubby ass little carrots. Ugg if it’s not people its insects if not insects its lil furry animals ruining my garden dream.
The nubby carrots and animal eaten squash then the full carrots 🙂
The bunny butt eating radish that refused to form into lil bulbs
I’m running out of free water. I collected rain water this year because simply fuck the police. Jk. I think it’s legal now in California to collect rain water. I’m not super sure don’t take my word for it.
My life partner found four amazing pieces of wood at work in the trash pile again (work is so wasteful) already set for raised garden bed making, perfect lil squares. I didn’t put anything on the bottom to make it so the grass wouldn’t grow back and I’m regretting it. Three short days later grass grew so dam fast ☹ It was very easy to pull out. I can tell that asshole cat of mine has been tap dancing his butthole all over the dirt. I used my gardening tools to search for his secret nuggets and found one. It’s better than the mountain I found before I guess. I am still disappointed but o well can’t cover them all too much work needs to be done. I will still feed him my ungrateful cats treats.
I took all the dirt out again and sifted through it, added manure and tossed it around again added those lil white perlite pellets. I sprayed the bottoms of the bed with weed and grass killer, it says to wait three days before planting anything. So far looks good, every piece of grass that grew inside is dead. I then put down tons of newspapers. I read they keep weeds from growing we will see.
I tossed my dirt back in, I also covered the beds with this long plastic bag looking thing. I will not chance another animal disturbance.
Out of the garden news. My child called me 3 am claiming demons were in the house. I could hear this screeching so awful I left work. I go to this screeching and here it is.
A lil fucking owl
It was so beautiful and majestic looking filled my soul with warmth. It’s now out in the world again.
I know I know…it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything and no my garden did not die…. yet. ha. I’ve been writing not editing or posting so I’m super behind but I’m still going to post past events. My garden mistakes can be your tomato plant saviors. So this will go pretty fast through a few seasons, crap weather and animals ruining my life o and people. Let’s get started.
Imagine a warm beautiful sunny day. The birds are chirping, wind is low, all the falling leaves missed your yard, neighbors minding their own fucking business. Then your garden comes into view. Who the fuck took a shit on the side of my yard?!Right there …. there on the pavement. So, I know this isn’t garden related but it did happen in my garden 5 feet away from my potato growing fabric sack. I put a lock on my fence this will never happen again. Ever ever ever. I stop the ground while refusing to pick this shit up. I will just not look in that direction until nature runs its course and the poo just magically disappears into the wind. (It dried up pretty fast) I used a piece of cardboard to move it out onto the street so the city can pick this filth up with the street cleaning machine thing.
I planted carrots last year and when I watered the seeds they floated towards one side of the garden bed. But when I say “I planted” I mean I tossed seeds on the top of fluffed soil thinking they would just bury themselves in like little cats snuggling blankets, they did not. They turned into lil boats and floated away. This year I have started them off in egg cartons. I laid the carton in my raised bed cut them to size then added soil and seeds there perfectly spaced apart. Then I moved them to the green house to sprout, it’s still to rainy and cold then sunny. Just to unpredictable to grow them outside.
I did a rainbow mix carrot seed and a barrel carrot. The barrel ones grow small and round and the picture looks cute. So there’s my main reason for growing that type. The rainbow one I just really love, there so fun looking and brighten up any meal and my bunny looks like a crazy cannibal after eating the red ones ❤
I also started some watermelon radish in the tubs, I went to a Korean bbq spot and they had radish paper, just plain white and fucking tasty. The seeds I purchased grow green radish with a red inside. I’m hoping to make my own radish paper and pull them out at our Sunday family bbqs along with the peen shaped chilies I’m growing ahhhhhh. I’m to excited to force feed my family dick shaped chilies with cream cheese and bacon inside. TO EXCITED ❤
I will close this short comeback segment with this unwanted visitor.
I bought artichoke seeds today and fabric root bags, I guess that’s what they’re called. I’m using those for my plants that last all year and need protection from the shitty weather we’ve been experiencing. I’m also going to build a lil cinder block shelf so I can sprout more plants since I went and got the bigger cups now I have no space. I needed the shelf anyway if I’m going to successfully grow tons of different types of plants this year. My chamomile seeds sprouted!! can’t say I’m not super beyond excited. Last year none of my chamomile seeds sprouted at all, this year is showing signs of improvement, mint green thumb slowing turning into a bridge trolls green thumb.
I took my fur babies to get groomed today so I had plenty of time and no one to grab my things away, So pretty productive overall. I printed labels out for my plastic cups and taped them on. No water has damaged them yet and its legible unlike my hand written labels. I will try to do this more I really like seeing the perfect lil print the cups. (chances are I won’t stick with it cuz I’m a busy bee)
I was so excited about my artichoke seeds I googled “when will they be ready for my consumption” and I got a shitload of articles on eating placenta wtf? I realized I didn’t ask a question on artichokes, just a basic consumption question lol. So re-questioned with artichokes in mind and success and disappointment spilled out my brains. It will take a year for my bush to provide me with any chokes. So I will not be an artichoke harvester this year, maybe next </3 on the bright side on the police do not cross tape I will be a harvester of tomatoes and carrots for sure and peas those plants seem to be sprouting like weeds. I pray for no weeds and Salma Hayek’s rack will see what happens first ha.
Sprouted so far
And this guy black tomato plant looking like a lil lock ness monster
All raised beds are ready. I’m going to layer my dirt then start sectioning off with cotton cord and small nails. I figure after I section off add plants remove cording, I could use the cord and nails to make a little DIY trellis for the plants to crawl up on if needed. I’m moving plants closer together this year. I’m stapling this lil green trellis on as well. I was going to go all out and do the whole chicken wire cover so my dogs don’t jump in but I don’t have that kind of patience at the moment. I’m taking 17 units this semester and its killing me. I will staple, glue and throw fairy dust whatever needs fixing right now.
I found this trunk in a storage locker I bought and I was going to refurbish it. I left it in the rain and the lid got super warped. I was going to dump it along with the tree I chopped down then I looked at it, really looked and thought artichokes plants would look so fucking cute hanging out of it if it were painted gold <3. So I painted the trunk gold. I know I should have sanded it down first but I wanted the authentic I fought a family of raccoons next to prostitutes in an alley for this trunk look.
I also have this chair that’s just been siting there withering away. I looked at a few garden chairs on google images and decided I would just cut out the bottom and replace it with a burlap piece. I used thick scissors to cut the wicker seat out and tack nails to hold the burlap in place. I then placed soil in the burlap and watered it to make sure it would hold. It held pretty fine no complaints. I put flower seeds I was going to buy flowers but decided I wanted to do from seed to finish this year.
On a side note I share this with tears in my gardening soul……….
I’ve realized I’ve been providing fertilizer and heat for a weed for the past three months. This imposter has been sucking up my nourishment like a baby to a mother’s teat. I thought I planted strawberry seeds, well I did. This plant grew so fast compared to the rest, I was so proud de-weeding its soda bottle home (pretty much killing its cousins) measuring its wonderful growth compared to its siblings, who btw are real fucking strawberries. Last week while watering it my finger hit the weed and it stung me I thought maybe it’s a defense mechanism against not fully mature plant eating monsters. I don’t know how I confused the two they look waaaaaayyy different. So I officially have snipped it, rid myself of the roots and started strawberry seeds again. The weed could have grown due to the fact that I reused soil. So far the only weed to grow out of reused stuff but the garden beds haven’t sprouted anything unwanted yet. On other news my cilantro plant is budding with flowers to provide me with seeds. I have made tons of salsa and garnish plenty of plates with this one plant I’m really excited to start seeding it. It will be my first time collecting seeds from one of my plants.