The garden in my soul..

Today I said fuck this garden. I didn’t mean it but now all the blossoms on my cherry tree have fallen. Maybe it was me, maybe it was this hot as hell green house that reached over a fucking 100. Well I will never know and I will also not have cherries.

The new green house is up. These below in the picture are all the extra pieces in case anything flies off or gets lost.

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Jk there are all the pieces I didn’t know where the hell they go so fuck it. It’s a bag full but the instructions were complete crap. Literally a picture with over a hundred numbers. Some of the holes to put the screws in are missing or an inch away from ware they should be. I had to drill them myself. I know I could have sent it back, but I was half way through and I’m a handy bitch so holes I made. Lesson learned though I will never again buy a knock off Harbor Freight green house to save 200 dollars. You know what I will, 200 is a lot and I’ve done this once and succeeded.

I don’t know how people could grow food in Alaska. I can barely grow leeks in California winter. Well I did grow like five things but I’m watching shows and their growing berries, lettuce, sunflowers, tomatoes, onions and fucking orange trees! In the snow! I’m pretty sure I grew my first brussel sprout tree thing. It looks like it, but the stem or trunk is crooked as all hell so I’m not sure, but I am sure it looks like tiny brussels are coming off the sides. So, I am just going to say it I planted a crooked brussels sprout tree and it’s the cutest most prize piece of my garden today. Tomorrow I probably won’t care anymore. Something new will sprout and I’ll lose my mind again.

fvffg

My neighbor’s cat, he’s a large grey cat with no tail weights about 20 lbs. came into my garden and dug a hole like he was trying to reach the center of the earth. He didn’t even shit in the garden he just dug out every single melon seedling. He didn’t discriminate all honey dew gone, watermelon gone and the unlabeled seeds that looked like melon seeds gone. I really can’t believe this trash. (I’m working on my cussing it’s a long process) I sprinkled salt, put jars of water out to scare him like every one of my hard core Mexican tias and neighbors swear by. His family is white he clearly doesn’t give a shit about Mexican garden voodoo. That is until I summon the Chupacabra and the CuCui to handle this fur monster.

I’ve been watering these flower seeds I got last month. Its this cute mix of tons of pink flowers. I only ever do sun flower so these flowers I’m excited about. There not sprouting at all. Yet the strawberry plant I let die in the back of the green house who just so happened to get a sprits of rain water one time two weeks ago it already growing a baby bush. I added more seeds, more water and some mulch. I thought maybe the soil was getting dry, I don’t know. There in the rain gutter garden. I love it its cute but I feel like something is stealing all the water I put in there if that makes any sense

I walked across my yard in my new crocs and stepped all over shit again. Ugh. Now I know why every time I walk my dogs I see signs in yards “I see you and your dog your on camera now”. As soon as those signs went up I noticed shit all over my yard. That person must have changed their route and now the shit stop is my house.

ugh.

My cat Big Grey Al being a model

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Pepperchini pretending to be interested in the new greenhouse building supplies. The green house after the wind blew it apart (I put the pieces to hold the panels in wrong)

Sprouts of complaints

I want a garden like that song “with or without you” You know a garden that grows with or without you. An independent garden that looks at you and says “Pshhhh I don’t need you. I’m an independent garden” “I’ll grow on my dam own fertilize and weed myself, fuck you if you think I need YOU. You need me” And I would nod and say yes. Yes, I need you don’t go. Where would I be without you? I just mowed my lawn and its huge again. I was walking around and boom I lost a croc. I always told myself crocs were for the garden only and I would not walk out my house with them on onto the streets. But I spend so much time in the garden forgetting stuff going back to the store to retrieve and kicking cat shit into the street (can’t do that with regular shoes). Neighbors caught me this time my excuse is it’s your fucking cat! Buy it a litter box like a regular cat. He’s not special!! the world isn’t his litter box Jan. Its Margret, Linda or something I don’t remember its been years since I pretended to want to get to know my neighbors. Anyway, going back to crocs. Crocs are life and a staple of my wardrobe now. I don’t even know what laces are anymore.

I saw a blue faced chicken on Instagram today. I was already creaming myself that something so amazing and magical exist.  I’m assuming it’s like that blue watermelon seeds I found on eBay. Those of you who deeply know me know I will fucking buy those again. Its about trial and error maybe just maybe I didn’t fertilize it enough to turn blue who knows. Maybe I need a gold shovel to make the garden magic work. I don’t know, but I will figure this out I want blue dam melons.

I go to this hydroponics store a lot almost once a week. I think they thought I was growing mountains of weed. For example- store guy: “for nice buds use this, for maxim buds here and for taller trees this pack”. “Everyone uses liquid but give solids a try you won’t regret it, Oh and this is perfect for cloning plants you’ll have buds in no time”. Me: “hmmmmmm does that work for tomatoes to? and my radish looked like dry ass ball sacks. What can I do for that? I also have these pictures of these porn star status zucchini and cucumbers I grew with the products you recommended last year thank you”. Btw super impressed with my giant ass zucchinis and cucumbers and now they know I’m growing vegetables.

This random rain is really pissing me off. I don’t understand how one day I could be burning alive in my garden and the next day I can’t step any ware without rain assaulting my face. I’ve been saving worms from puddles all freaking day. I should get a medal my fingers are cold prune tips. There is a reward though I toss them all into my leaf and eggshell compost pile and that dirt has been amazing year after year.

In closing.

fuck my neighbors cat.

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someone ate a lizard and puked it up

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Garden reset

I love sims and moving things around with minimal effort. I wish gardening was like that. Instead of dig, dig, dig.. just click… click …. click no not there. here…click. PERFECT

I recovered the greenhouse. This new cover is so dam great. The door is so wide compared to the last one I feel like I could carry like 80 things in my arms while walking in.

I have survivors from last year or maybe seeds that decided to be part of the show now either way excited. There’s on asparagus plant and three carrots. I was redoing the garden beds in the back yard getting ready for dam spring, so I transplanted them into pot to fully grow and shoved into the green house. I thought they were weeds but realized it was a lil carrot with some delicate digging and dusting.

I was full force going at the garden until my shovel broke, 2nd one this year. Garden time is now crying time. Have you seen the prices of shovels these days? Are they fucking gold plated? Gosh. I’ve retired from the side yard back to the green house. I’m filling up trays with dirt, getting strawberries ready to sprout. I see them doing the strawberry fields already so I’m assuming its ok. Plus, there in a greenhouse should be good.

The weather has been shit! A disgusting pattern of hot, rain, ice, rain, rain, hail, blistering heat followed by ice again. Winter hasn’t been my prime growing period ever. My watermelon radish look like dirty witch fingers again. The rain brought wind with it, my greenhouse moved a whole foot. My frame is loose and a piece fell off ugh. Don’t get me started on the leaves. My yard has no trees, not one! but I seem to have the whole blocks tree leaves all over, knee deep. It could be less if I regularly raked but I don’t so leaves to the knees while I walk around like a daddy long leg spider. Dam branches fell on my greenhouse, they must have seen me recover it and wanted to get a better look at this fine thick plastic and ever so large door. I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t so big they knocked my carrots at an angle, all my trays dangling.

I sit and pray to every single god “spare my greenhouse my carrots, I just planted them. No lord why me?”. I get religious during garden time and finals.

I just got a new micro camera. Here are some pics hope you enjoy.

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Eggs from a random animal I put in a jar lets see what comes out

Spider mites ruining my plants and life

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whiteflies finally see there disgusting greedy faces.

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ew more. how can one garden have so many intruders. This one is my favorite even though she is feeding her family my plants.

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A dry alpine berry nothing but seeds.

 

D I fucking Y

How’s my winter garden? Horrible!!!!!! Compared to last year I guess. Also compared to summer when everything seems to grow with no end or burn to hell. I do have a tray of leaks a pile of random lettuce and radishes growing, that’s great but I want more. More I tell you. But since my garden is eh I’m going to do a diy. I did can food planters last year, they were amazing. So I will be redoing full detail 😊 yesss.

Your probably thinking isn’t that the same place you put dirt into your cans? Why yes, yes it is. Make sure you dust your multi-purpose area off or you’ll get paint and dirt every ware. I had to re dust a million x5 because dirt just kept magically appearing. Now for the steps to ensure a fantastic looking piece of up cycled cannery.

Step one: Naked your cans. No! find the cans your going to use from the pile you have stocked up for this purpose and make sure they are clean. Last year I half assed them thinking well I’m just going to put dirt in them anyway shouldn’t be to bad. Yes it was bad, I grew hair mold instead of spices. EW.

Step two: Now naked your cans and use a wire scrapper to get any left-over label and glue off

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Now I really love multicolor cans, this year I’m going to try and be more clean and precise. Last year I sprayed all willy nilly. This year I’m about those crisp ass lines, so I bought some painters tape.

side note: I will not be popping holes into the bottoms. I will layer with rocks. I don’t want the water draining through. If you want holes thin nail and a hammer will do 🙂

Step three: Do your first color coat. I am going to try and stick with just a few colors keep it garden chic like all these fancy pants magazines. But do what you want 😊. Wait a few hours until the paint is dry before you do painters tape. I’m impatient as hell I peeled bits of my base layer off not waiting long enough☹. (looks pretty dam cool still)

Step four: Next color. Make sure you put enough tape and press the edges down so the color doesn’t seep into the other color. As you can see I did not follow my own instructions.

 

I spray painted a few bugs to glue onto my cans. I thought it would be dam cute and it is.

I’m done with the cans they seem bland as hell and boring like a just water soup☹ Soooooo I’m going to ad stencils to some. I really do like my bug cans they are cute as fuck. But I need a pop of color in my soul. So back to spraying all willy nilly. I will still be doing crisp ass lines. I used painters tape and stencils to only use part of stencil or to only paint a certain color on part of the can ahhhhhhhhhhhh love it. I got the stencils at Michaels use your coupon I find them a bit pricy.

NEXT:

Some perler bead flowers to label your plants or make signs for the bastard cat shitting in your garden.

I shaped petals out one by one since my perler bead stencils aren’t the ones I need for this project. They still came out well but needed extra work.

1: lay out pattern

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2: Iron and I know this sounds easy but I didn’t read the directions. I figured anyone with at least ¼ a brain could do this very easy step and then I ended up with perlers as flat as the earth is round. So press the stencil equal pressure not to long not to short depending on the heat of your iron.

3: cut out some fabric circles glue your petals on. You could also glue them onto a big button I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.

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4: Melt a single perler end and glue to the end of a wooden BBQ skewer and there we go a perfect lil stem. Now glue that stem to the back of your flower.

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5: Get some paper, writing implement of your choice, scissors and tape. Write out your garden message, plant label, note to nosey neighbors, whatever de stresses your life and cut out. Press tape over front and back making it waterproof and cut out again. Glue on direactly or use a bit of garden twine and there you go. Beautiful flowers with dainty magical caring or blunt note ❤

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Hope you enjoy

Another side note:

I didn’t realize so much red paint was splattering on my arms from can painting. Later in day I saw what looked like a rash and web md it now I’m dying I have rubella. I have rashes from other countries noooooooo why me whhhyyyyyyy. Then I remembered my spray paint cap was faulty and it’s just paint I’m fine. But be careful web md will make you feel like you need to be quarantined instead of just hosed off.

Garden Dreams

I had this dream I was getting up from bed. Everything was white, the light in my house were so bright I could barely open my eyes and I walk out towards my front yard. Soon as I hit the front door everything comes into view. It’s all green and lush, I run to my cherry tomatoes plant on the side yard and its full of tiny even sized tomatoes. I’m so excited cutting them off with my garden scissors. I look down and I’m wearing this bright sun dress with huge yellow flowers and tons of butterflies are swarming my plants. I twirl around in my fantastic dress arms stretched, hands out and open, face smiling up towards the sky. The sun not even burning my eyes because of this dainty lil garden hat.

I wake up in real life to rain. My garage is flooded and my garden bucket with tools is floating in a puddle. My dogs decided this year there going to help me in the garden by digging holes where I don’t need them. But any effort made by them is appreciated. If only they could use tiny shovels. I have two inches of mud in my garage, so garden time is going to have to wait. I thought the weather man was lying as always when he said there would be a storm and to collect sand bags. This is what I get for not believing in you weather man. I take it back you’re not a liar.

 I put some motions lights up outside my house.  They don’t seem to work, there also to high up to even check regularly without fear of falling off the ladder into a gapping hole the earth has made because I left my hose on once again and let water run for hours. (I said I would remember to turn it off 12 hours later I did) 

Anyway………..

 I was reading a blog about using newspapers in a garden to keep away the weeds. I have been using them so far ok. I thought it was funny how their invasive plants are onion bulbs. I wish that what I had to deal with instead of these plants with self-defense mechanism of a stinging and prickliness. I cut my gutter today with my child’s help. It still won’t go up yet. It’s going to rain for a few days and I don’t want it to collect water. 

On a positive note

I love the smell of rain. I love collecting water for my plants and I even love these lil puddles. It reminds me of when I was little and I would take gold fish out the tank and watch them swim in the gutters to the storm drain.

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My cat big grey hunting in the yard

IMG_20170214_105846Thrift store finds

In real time

I bet your wondering. Yvette ……with all these garden mishaps, why or why do you still garden? and simply I can put it as the sun comes up and I feel the need, the need to create and grow and make this world a more beautiful and fruitful place. Just kidding.

It’s because I pretty much feel like I’m a mermaid but a woodland fairy as well therefore I will make this green thumb catch a spark and work this year. fucking work thumb. Also because I want “TO CATCH” (in a net or other trap) the person who robbed my garden on camera. So garden = catching thief, also using the new seeds I bought. Hopefully cross your fingers. I’ve decided to put up motion lights to deter the night time menace. I’ve made numerous upgrades which I will lead us through now…..or later I have plans on plans on plans on paper and in my brain. We will get to everything together

My greenhouse isn’t taking this cold, wet, hot weather very well. I guess weather in general. I can see tons of lil holes. I did buy a new cover I’m just waiting for the mail to deliver it to me.

I find myself complaining about my winter garden often. It’s not even winter yet. I had to google when winter was. I just assumed because I freeze to death every night and every dam house has Christmas lights up, it must be winter. I was getting ready for the change in season and some asshole decided to help me out by falling over my fence into my huge tomato bushes barely missing my purple tomatillo plant. Now I’m down three bushes. They fell on top of tons of plastic forks I put in the dirt to keep the cats away. I hope they forked there eye out. I didn’t even take a picture of that area it looked like a “real garden” you know the garden you imagine in your head when you plant your seeds. My imaginary garden waters and weeds itself but this raised bed was as close to my idea as possible.  I’m getting ready for my winter garden so super beyond excited but also sick of my shovel and my hose and this tree blocking all my dam sun light.

List of things to do:

Recover my green house

Reclaim yard from the leaf menace

All else can wait.

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The tomato’s I was able to salavage from my smushed plants.

Tiny left over carrot from last years bunch and some gross bugs with big bodies and tiny plant stomping legs.

 

Burned to the root

My two beautiful tomato plants have been trampled, they were both over four feet tall. Something walked all over them and broke them in half. I don’t know what it is, my traps have caught nothing. I’ve been spraying mint every ware its suppose to make mice, rodents and raccoons disappear. My only thought now is that a group of garden gnomes must come alive at night and make the long commute from the house three blocks away to jump my fence, ransack my yard and dump cat shit every ware.

After weeks of blaming my neighbors’ orange cat for shitting on my plants and wishing nothing but herpes upon them and then realizing its my own cat I’ve come to my next conclusion. It’s the fucking both of them. I’ve seen them both doing it they must be taking turns ruining my life. This weather has been crap 95 today 104 tomorrow then it rained wtf? is it fall or are we still in summer.

My back-yard garden was the biggest casualty of the earths ever changing mind. All my spices burnt to hell, everything in the green house wilted! Even with all the water I poured before class, after class, before work, all day flooding them with water. I was keeping them hydrated like they were Olympic sprinters

My side yard garden doing amazingly, I can’t say I’m not growing porn star quality cucumbers because it’s pretty dam clear I am ;). It’s going so dam good on the side I’m going to plant more there. I just need to build this dam fence to keep the people sized garden thieves out. 

I had to buy a litter scoop and scoop my dirt. Some asshole tossed a pile of rocks into my garden. Where the hell do you get random rocks around here? The river is over ten miles away.

I didn’t realize how hard it is to put up chicken wire. The internet makes things look to dam easy. I did a pretty horrible job. It doesn’t look like any cats or dogs will make it in so it has met its purpose to keep the fur monsters out of the future cite of my veggies. Now how to keep the gnomes out ha. Will see.

My small bounty

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Never ending amount of uninvited guests.

I didn’t know snails could eat so much.

Pretty sure the rabbit got out and ate the cucumbers.