The imposter.

All raised beds are ready. I’m going to layer my dirt then start sectioning off with cotton cord and small nails. I figure after I section off add plants remove cording, I could use the cord and nails to make a little DIY trellis for the plants to crawl up on if needed. I’m moving plants closer together this year. I’m stapling this lil green trellis on as well. I was going to go all out and do the whole chicken wire cover so my dogs don’t jump in but I don’t have that kind of patience at the moment. I’m taking 17 units this semester and its killing me. I will staple, glue and throw fairy dust whatever needs fixing right now.

I found this trunk in a storage locker I bought and I was going to refurbish it. I left it in the rain and the lid got super warped. I was going to dump it along with the tree I chopped down then I looked at it, really looked and thought artichokes plants would look so fucking cute hanging out of it if it were painted gold <3. So I painted the trunk gold. I know I should have sanded it down first but I wanted the authentic I fought a family of raccoons next to prostitutes in an alley for this trunk look.   20160127_133345

I also have this chair that’s just been siting there withering away. I looked at a few garden chairs on google images and decided I would just cut out the bottom and replace it with a burlap piece. I used thick scissors to cut the wicker seat out and tack nails to hold the burlap in place. I then placed soil in the burlap and watered it to make sure it would hold. It held pretty fine no complaints. I put flower seeds I was going to buy flowers but decided I wanted to do from seed to finish this year.

On a side note I share this with tears in my gardening soul……….

I’ve realized I’ve been providing fertilizer and heat for a weed for the past three months. This imposter has been sucking up my nourishment like a baby to a mother’s teat. I thought I planted strawberry seeds, well I did. This plant grew so fast compared to the rest, I was so proud de-weeding its soda bottle home (pretty much killing its cousins) measuring its wonderful growth compared to its siblings, who btw are real fucking strawberries. Last week while watering it my finger hit the weed and it stung me I thought maybe it’s a defense mechanism against not fully mature plant eating monsters. I don’t know how I confused the two they look waaaaaayyy different. So I officially have snipped it, rid myself of the roots and started strawberry seeds again. The weed could have grown due to the fact that I reused soil. So far the only weed to grow out of reused stuff but the garden beds haven’t sprouted anything unwanted yet. On other news my cilantro plant is budding with flowers to provide me with seeds. I have made tons of salsa and garnish plenty of plates with this one plant I’m really excited to start seeding it. It will be my first time collecting seeds from one of my plants.

The WEED

The REAL berries (see the size difference)

these cups…?.fuck them

I used paper Dixie cups lined with wax to start my seeds. Worst idea ever omg. Dam Dixie cups only good for accepting semen samples at the sperm bank. I Can’t remember the last time I drank out of one of those things and it didn’t collapse mid sip and who the fuck let me label these. I really feel like if I were in a female/ female relationship (first name Brittany last named Spears) she would be like hey babe I can’t read that maybe you should type it up and come up with amazing garden ideas like the perfect goddess she is. I would like to send a shout out to target for not selling the shot glass size cups I normally use. Hope whoever made that decision gets mouth herpes.

 I searched every ware all I could find were these dam take away condiment cups so I’m going to try and save what seeds aren’t covered in disgusting mold and start the rest off in better cups. Yes, I went to smaller cups not bigger. Bigger cups take too much space and that’s wasteful as hell in my limited growing area. I might regret my choices later but with all my gardening experience on an up down teeter totter this maybe could land me right in the middle, or maybe I’ll grab all my seeds and throw them on the ground and hope for the best. Mid garden life tantrum.

Look at this freaking disgusting mold

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My bunny got out again today if these cups weren’t freaking enough to ruin my day. He ate some of my egg cartons I was going to use to properly space out my carrots and Brussels sprouts. He has freaking organic lettuce, tons of treats, I even sprout him lentils in a jar all fancy but he rather eat trash and the lining of my green house. He’s lucky I think he would make a fabulous fur coat or id give him away. He’s not big enough for a coat sigh (sad face) but I love petting him imagining my Cruella Da Vil floor length rabbit fur coat, the winters would be great hahah hell I’d wear it summers to.

These new cups with there freshly printed labels  already sprouting 2 days later

lil diyish

After cleaning my growing area again, freaken bunny dragging plastic from who knows ware every ware, I add compost to my old soil and then bagged soil to that. I mixed it all in these round tubs with this tiny shovel I found in the rocks at the beach. I started going through my seeds again. Plotting ware they will go after I sprout them in the green house to get an early start on my garden. I separate by type: tomatoes with tomatoes, peas with peas etc. I remember I spilled water on about 40 dollars worth of seed paper packets last year ruining them. So I took the seeds out the packets of ones I knew I would use and put them in plastic baggies. You can just put the whole seed packet in plastic bag then in your box. My box is small I decided I would just open my packets get rid of the extra paper. I tossed it on the bottom of my garden beds to biodegrade.

I will be doing my spices in canned food cans again this year. I will spray paint the cans at least enough to get a good surface to write what plant it is. Last year the sun bleached all my marker off and I played a guessing game between lemon basil, regular basil and every dam kind of basil I grew. Shocker didn’t use basil all last year. I will this year though, I found a bad ass spaghetti sauce recipe I want to try, will post if turns out delicious. Still post if turns out like crap no better way to learn then trial and error or someone else’s mistakes ha.

I washed my cans out and took the labels off. I used a hammer and nail to pop drainage holes on the bottom and another hole on the top of can to add a little hanging string. I did the side hole over a piece of wood. I kept bending the can without it under there. I saw one online with 3 holes to make a full on plant hanger super cute maybe I’ll do some for flowers I’ll keep yea posted. Fuck it I am do it. I need holders for those bug repellant flowers.

 

I made a soda bottle hanging garden last year was so fucking cute I’m going to make again this year and more. I quit the soda habit like 3 months ago. Congrats to me still going through withdrawals, nipples get hard every time I see a can of warm coke sitting in hot car omg mmmmm.

I bought all these supplies at the Bc 99 store the rope was like 1.69 washers 1 .35 and these bottles I scavenged from any ware. I used an old food thermometer to punch holes into the plastic bottle one on each side top and bottom after I heated it up on the open flame. You could use a soldering gun, I couldn’t find mine today. I also heated the end of the rope so it wouldn’t fray after I cut if off since it tries to separate when pulling through the soda bottle holes, I just eyed it to what I thought was level the tied a washer. I know I didn’t wash the soda out this bottle. Maybe I’ll get some obese plants with all this sugar, will see.

There’s a lot of snails and slugs trying to set up a living space in my greenhouse, so Ima go brujeria and put a line of salt at the front door. My vegetarian friend, I will not name any names tried to scold me last year for drowning the snails all “its inhumane” all this shit. Then I reminded her how I caught her eating pork posole 3 o clock in the fucking morning at a sleep over at my house when we were like 15 lol. Take that bitch.

Last years soda bottle garden still going strong. I think there’s a weed growing under the cilantro bottle one I thought I planted strawberries but it doesn’t look like it now.

saving plant lives..kinda

100% lied last post. I did not put my Stevia plant in a pot. I pretty much tossed it in a bucket of dirt and forgot about it a few days. But I have made up for it since, now that I know it’s going to last all year I bought a fabric garden bag so I could move it in and out the greenhouse depending on the weather. I even bought one for the mystery plant whom I named Dracula like my true love (Bram Stroker’s Dracula, all others not my type) Vampires shouldn’t sparkle or go in daylight. wtf is this nuclear plant vampires. Uggg disgusting might as well give them tentacles and five dicks.

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Soooooo I took out my seeds from last year and some from soooo many years ago and yes they did work last year maybe the expiration date was just a suggestion. I went on eBay and looked at seeds I’ve been dying to try since last year or want to see if there real. Example: the blue watermelon, green outside blue in the inside. There was a lot on the internet saying don’t buy this it is a hoax, it’s not real, there regular watermelon blah blah blah. I bought them last year anyway thinking but what if all the pennies I threw in the wishing well my entire childhood have accumulated a savings account of magic that I can use to grow these blue on the inside watermelons. Turns out the internet was right my thoughts were wrong. Fuck it because I’m buying them off another eBay seller maybe the last seller didn’t know enough voodoo to create a perfect blue watermelon and this one does. Cross your fingers everyone daddy wants a blue melon this year.

Last year I also sang to my plants in my best Whitney Houston singing voice those of you who know me know I can’t sing or dance that’s my sister not me. Sigh…tears…..poison cookies. I heard somewhere that they would grow better and every day they looked the same small no sign of growth. So one day I stopped. They didn’t deserve my talent and they grew 2 whole fking inches overnight. I guess silence is best at least in my case ha.

Ill probably be om seeds the next few days I really want to get semi decent start.

Cleaning my life.

Nothing to exciting today just going to clean my growing space. I hope my before and after pics are so dramatic and amazing that the bitches at Better Homes and Garden all cream their panties simultaneously. I really want to buy a chicken or maybe build some stairs. I don’t have a two story house or anything but stairs to no ware eventually lead to some ware. Maybe a cloud will stop by and be like whoa are those stairs? this garden is fking fantastic so fantastic I’m am going to rain on it all day and ruin your life! fuck your heirloom tomatoes. No cloud….fuck you dot exclamation point dot dot

As I cleaned today I noticed a lot of worms coming out of the ground. I scooped the worms up and put into a bowl. I usually feed them to my koi but today I will be tossing them into the dirt that I have taken from all the raised beds and pots. (This is old dirt I’m going to reuse)

I was going to add nutrient pellets to my dirt but as I poured my pots out and scooped the raised beds I noticed tons of worms and bugs had broken down all leaves and mulch from last year. I’m taking that as a sign my dirt is pretty dam good. But I will be mixing in some compost I started last year unintentionally. In other words, I raked leaves and piles grass clippings into one area I kept saying I would toss into the street on road cleaning day never did. In return I got beautiful dark compost.

I look for signs of repair needed on my raised beds. I did an extremely shitty job on them the first time so will see how this second round goes. My stevia plant is clinging for dear life in the dirt in one of the beds so I removed it put in a pot in the green house. While shoveling out the dirt into big tubs I find a clump of roots with tiny leaves. I don’t remember what it is but I will give it a fighting chance and move it to a pot as well.

I took apart two of the raised beds the third one seemed to be in tip top shape. I used a drill and screws this time to put them together instead of nails. Not going to lie I feel like such a fucking lumberjack, carpenter right now. I really do feel like I could put up a fence and build a dam house out of any piece of reclaimed wood. For now I will stick to raised beds and bunny doors and the occasional piece of wood I randomly nail to something because I’m a crafter and crafters do shit that. That’s really all for today literally took me hours to clean my dogs mess and try to locate my bunny’s holes.

Pictures from top to bottom to middle then side

Found my cookie sheet finally I don’t know how it got there. Next two pics just my mess from my pretend gardening last year after the sun and bunny combined killed my crops. Beginning gardening super serious later gardening crying into dry plants. Unlike  Tangled’s princess tears mine did not bring them back to life lol (you can see my raised beds falling apart). I love this main grinder garden bed ❤ my life partner found it in the freaken trash at work looked amazing with sun flowers last year. It will hold carrots this year. Middle bottom is my hammer and screw I’m officially a builder of things. Final is finished garden beds with soil I will be adding more once I get ready to transplant and compost in the huge wooden box that was also found in the trash heap.

Get ready…look who woke up!! nearly lost my marbles when I entered the green house.

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Its a round carrot, package said container carrot.

 

The start.

So I told myself last year that I would have this huge garden, a garden that would rival the Garden of Eden. My backyard is smaller then an inmate on death row personal play area so even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen I had high expectations. I bought this amazing green house on eBay I’m going to say 89.99 give or take five bucks. All the supplies I found free on the side of the road (what a fking steal) and I bought some dirt.

It started out magically my neighbor moved out and left a bounty of free items such as plastic tubs, a foldable cabinet which is holding my tubs and various items I took even though I didn’t need because… secret…..I’m a hoarder. So I placed the cabinet into my green house like so and took soldering iron and made drainage holes in my tubs.

I was ready for this life this green no more grocery stores, fuck you organic priced veggie life. I started all my seeds in the green house they were doing great. I made some wooden plant thing a ma bobs which did set me back 75 bucks. I was sad but I really needed them to keep my dogs out of my plants. Turns out my dogs don’t care and just climbed on the raised beds with there long limbs and tore out all my seedlings. It was fine, I started plenty of seedlings so I could share them with my co workers and family. This time I added metal trellis so no one could disturb them. My garden was doing just as I imagined they would under my semi green thumb, my pea plants crawling up to 4 ft. high, my jalapeno has given me two whole chilies, my turnips looking fucking amazing, My bush peas bushy, the corn just everything was great until I was gifted a rabbit. I put him on the side of the house. He had his own door, a tree for shade, sun spot everything, lil hut fresh food and water every lil bunny’s paradise. But he’s an extremely selfish animal and that wasn’t enough. Long story short I looked out my window and saw that lil bastard in my garden. I went outside put him back in his area stuck rocks in the hole he made to prevent further security breaches. The garden looked fine. He did crap on some of the beds that was it or so I thought.

I begin harvesting my bounty of Snap peas off my long 5 ft. plant two hands full into these crisp light green two and a half inch long shells I find that bunny ass had chewed the bottom of the plant, snapped every vine that had jack and the bean stalk up into the air. In other words he murdered my plant didn’t, even eat the good parts. I turn to all my plants it was the same a killing field of food, tall and short even the jalapeno (I hope it burned his ass on the way out). So I restarted a lil late in the season El Nino gave us to much sun ruined my life. I harvested in all: six potatoes, 3 heirloom tomatoes, 2 cherry tomatoes, 5 jalapenos, a bunch of basil (guess rabbits don’t like basil) a few squash, a pumpkin, three sunflowers that I dried for my cocktails and that was it.

O I forgot I had an infestation of tiny green moths in the green house that killed off the turnips, chives and every spice I had planted. I couldn’t figure out what was eating my plants due to them being the exact same color as every leaf they perched their fat asses on. This year I’m prepared.

So hopefully you follow me on my new garden journey. I’ll start off by cleaning my backyard making room for my new and improved garden. I will be putting tips what worked for me, what didn’t, stuff that made things easier and posting tons of pics of the bounty I hopefully get this time keep your fingers crossed.

These are pictures from last years fruitful garden attempt.