Come back to me.

I know I know…it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything and no my garden did not die…. yet. ha. I’ve been writing not editing or posting so I’m super behind but I’m still going to post past events. My garden mistakes can be your tomato plant saviors. So this will go pretty fast through a few seasons, crap weather and animals ruining my life o and people. Let’s get started.

Imagine a warm beautiful sunny day. The birds are chirping, wind is low, all the falling leaves missed your yard, neighbors minding their own fucking business. Then your garden comes into view. Who the fuck took a shit on the side of my yard?! Right there …. there on the pavement. So, I know this isn’t garden related but it did happen in my garden 5 feet away from my potato growing fabric sack. I put a lock on my fence this will never happen again. Ever ever ever. I stop the ground while refusing to pick this shit up. I will just not look in that direction until nature runs its course and the poo just magically disappears into the wind. (It dried up pretty fast) I used a piece of cardboard to move it out onto the street so the city can pick this filth up with the street cleaning machine thing.

Ugh. Ongoing.

I planted carrots last year and when I watered the seeds they floated towards one side of the garden bed. But when I say “I planted” I mean I tossed seeds on the top of fluffed soil thinking they would just bury themselves in like little cats snuggling blankets, they did not. They turned into lil boats and floated away. This year I have started them off in egg cartons. I laid the carton in my raised bed cut them to size then added soil and seeds there perfectly spaced apart. Then I moved them to the green house to sprout, it’s still to rainy and cold then sunny. Just to unpredictable to grow them outside.

I did a rainbow mix carrot seed and a barrel carrot. The barrel ones grow small and round and the picture looks cute. So there’s my main reason for growing that type. The rainbow one I just really love, there so fun looking and brighten up any meal and my bunny looks like a crazy cannibal after eating the red ones ❤

I also started some watermelon radish in the tubs, I went to a Korean bbq spot and they had radish paper, just plain white and fucking tasty. The seeds I purchased grow green radish with a red inside. I’m hoping to make my own radish paper and pull them out at our Sunday family bbqs along with the peen shaped chilies I’m growing ahhhhhh. I’m to excited to force feed my family dick shaped chilies with cream cheese and bacon inside.  TO EXCITED ❤

I will close this short comeback segment with this unwanted visitor.

(Its kind of cute with its lil eye sticks)

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choke me.

I bought artichoke seeds today and fabric root bags, I guess that’s what they’re called. I’m using those for my plants that last all year and need protection from the shitty weather we’ve been experiencing. I’m also going to build a lil cinder block shelf so I can sprout more plants since I went and got the bigger cups now I have no space. I needed the shelf anyway if I’m going to successfully grow tons of different types of plants this year. My chamomile seeds sprouted!! can’t say I’m not super beyond excited. Last year none of my chamomile seeds sprouted at all, this year is showing signs of improvement, mint green thumb slowing turning into a bridge trolls green thumb.

 I took my fur babies to get groomed today so I had plenty of time and no one to grab my things away, So pretty productive overall. I printed labels out for my plastic cups and taped them on. No water has damaged them yet and its legible unlike my hand written labels. I will try to do this more I really like seeing the perfect lil print the cups. (chances are I won’t stick with it cuz I’m a busy bee)

I was so excited about my artichoke seeds I googled “when will they be ready for my consumption” and I got a shitload of articles on eating placenta wtf? I realized I didn’t ask a question on artichokes, just a basic consumption question lol. So re-questioned with artichokes in mind and success and disappointment spilled out my brains. It will take a year for my bush to provide me with any chokes. So I will not be an artichoke harvester this year, maybe next </3 on the bright side on the police do not cross tape I will be a harvester of tomatoes and carrots for sure and peas those plants seem to be sprouting like weeds. I pray for no weeds and Salma Hayek’s rack will see what happens first ha.

Sprouted so far

And this guy black tomato plant looking like a lil lock ness monster

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The imposter.

All raised beds are ready. I’m going to layer my dirt then start sectioning off with cotton cord and small nails. I figure after I section off add plants remove cording, I could use the cord and nails to make a little DIY trellis for the plants to crawl up on if needed. I’m moving plants closer together this year. I’m stapling this lil green trellis on as well. I was going to go all out and do the whole chicken wire cover so my dogs don’t jump in but I don’t have that kind of patience at the moment. I’m taking 17 units this semester and its killing me. I will staple, glue and throw fairy dust whatever needs fixing right now.

I found this trunk in a storage locker I bought and I was going to refurbish it. I left it in the rain and the lid got super warped. I was going to dump it along with the tree I chopped down then I looked at it, really looked and thought artichokes plants would look so fucking cute hanging out of it if it were painted gold <3. So I painted the trunk gold. I know I should have sanded it down first but I wanted the authentic I fought a family of raccoons next to prostitutes in an alley for this trunk look.   20160127_133345

I also have this chair that’s just been siting there withering away. I looked at a few garden chairs on google images and decided I would just cut out the bottom and replace it with a burlap piece. I used thick scissors to cut the wicker seat out and tack nails to hold the burlap in place. I then placed soil in the burlap and watered it to make sure it would hold. It held pretty fine no complaints. I put flower seeds I was going to buy flowers but decided I wanted to do from seed to finish this year.

On a side note I share this with tears in my gardening soul……….

I’ve realized I’ve been providing fertilizer and heat for a weed for the past three months. This imposter has been sucking up my nourishment like a baby to a mother’s teat. I thought I planted strawberry seeds, well I did. This plant grew so fast compared to the rest, I was so proud de-weeding its soda bottle home (pretty much killing its cousins) measuring its wonderful growth compared to its siblings, who btw are real fucking strawberries. Last week while watering it my finger hit the weed and it stung me I thought maybe it’s a defense mechanism against not fully mature plant eating monsters. I don’t know how I confused the two they look waaaaaayyy different. So I officially have snipped it, rid myself of the roots and started strawberry seeds again. The weed could have grown due to the fact that I reused soil. So far the only weed to grow out of reused stuff but the garden beds haven’t sprouted anything unwanted yet. On other news my cilantro plant is budding with flowers to provide me with seeds. I have made tons of salsa and garnish plenty of plates with this one plant I’m really excited to start seeding it. It will be my first time collecting seeds from one of my plants.

The WEED

The REAL berries (see the size difference)

these cups…?.fuck them

I used paper Dixie cups lined with wax to start my seeds. Worst idea ever omg. Dam Dixie cups only good for accepting semen samples at the sperm bank. I Can’t remember the last time I drank out of one of those things and it didn’t collapse mid sip and who the fuck let me label these. I really feel like if I were in a female/ female relationship (first name Brittany last named Spears) she would be like hey babe I can’t read that maybe you should type it up and come up with amazing garden ideas like the perfect goddess she is. I would like to send a shout out to target for not selling the shot glass size cups I normally use. Hope whoever made that decision gets mouth herpes.

 I searched every ware all I could find were these dam take away condiment cups so I’m going to try and save what seeds aren’t covered in disgusting mold and start the rest off in better cups. Yes, I went to smaller cups not bigger. Bigger cups take too much space and that’s wasteful as hell in my limited growing area. I might regret my choices later but with all my gardening experience on an up down teeter totter this maybe could land me right in the middle, or maybe I’ll grab all my seeds and throw them on the ground and hope for the best. Mid garden life tantrum.

Look at this freaking disgusting mold

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My bunny got out again today if these cups weren’t freaking enough to ruin my day. He ate some of my egg cartons I was going to use to properly space out my carrots and Brussels sprouts. He has freaking organic lettuce, tons of treats, I even sprout him lentils in a jar all fancy but he rather eat trash and the lining of my green house. He’s lucky I think he would make a fabulous fur coat or id give him away. He’s not big enough for a coat sigh (sad face) but I love petting him imagining my Cruella Da Vil floor length rabbit fur coat, the winters would be great hahah hell I’d wear it summers to.

These new cups with there freshly printed labels  already sprouting 2 days later

lil diyish

After cleaning my growing area again, freaken bunny dragging plastic from who knows ware every ware, I add compost to my old soil and then bagged soil to that. I mixed it all in these round tubs with this tiny shovel I found in the rocks at the beach. I started going through my seeds again. Plotting ware they will go after I sprout them in the green house to get an early start on my garden. I separate by type: tomatoes with tomatoes, peas with peas etc. I remember I spilled water on about 40 dollars worth of seed paper packets last year ruining them. So I took the seeds out the packets of ones I knew I would use and put them in plastic baggies. You can just put the whole seed packet in plastic bag then in your box. My box is small I decided I would just open my packets get rid of the extra paper. I tossed it on the bottom of my garden beds to biodegrade.

I will be doing my spices in canned food cans again this year. I will spray paint the cans at least enough to get a good surface to write what plant it is. Last year the sun bleached all my marker off and I played a guessing game between lemon basil, regular basil and every dam kind of basil I grew. Shocker didn’t use basil all last year. I will this year though, I found a bad ass spaghetti sauce recipe I want to try, will post if turns out delicious. Still post if turns out like crap no better way to learn then trial and error or someone else’s mistakes ha.

I washed my cans out and took the labels off. I used a hammer and nail to pop drainage holes on the bottom and another hole on the top of can to add a little hanging string. I did the side hole over a piece of wood. I kept bending the can without it under there. I saw one online with 3 holes to make a full on plant hanger super cute maybe I’ll do some for flowers I’ll keep yea posted. Fuck it I am do it. I need holders for those bug repellant flowers.

 

I made a soda bottle hanging garden last year was so fucking cute I’m going to make again this year and more. I quit the soda habit like 3 months ago. Congrats to me still going through withdrawals, nipples get hard every time I see a can of warm coke sitting in hot car omg mmmmm.

I bought all these supplies at the Bc 99 store the rope was like 1.69 washers 1 .35 and these bottles I scavenged from any ware. I used an old food thermometer to punch holes into the plastic bottle one on each side top and bottom after I heated it up on the open flame. You could use a soldering gun, I couldn’t find mine today. I also heated the end of the rope so it wouldn’t fray after I cut if off since it tries to separate when pulling through the soda bottle holes, I just eyed it to what I thought was level the tied a washer. I know I didn’t wash the soda out this bottle. Maybe I’ll get some obese plants with all this sugar, will see.

There’s a lot of snails and slugs trying to set up a living space in my greenhouse, so Ima go brujeria and put a line of salt at the front door. My vegetarian friend, I will not name any names tried to scold me last year for drowning the snails all “its inhumane” all this shit. Then I reminded her how I caught her eating pork posole 3 o clock in the fucking morning at a sleep over at my house when we were like 15 lol. Take that bitch.

Last years soda bottle garden still going strong. I think there’s a weed growing under the cilantro bottle one I thought I planted strawberries but it doesn’t look like it now.

saving plant lives..kinda

100% lied last post. I did not put my Stevia plant in a pot. I pretty much tossed it in a bucket of dirt and forgot about it a few days. But I have made up for it since, now that I know it’s going to last all year I bought a fabric garden bag so I could move it in and out the greenhouse depending on the weather. I even bought one for the mystery plant whom I named Dracula like my true love (Bram Stroker’s Dracula, all others not my type) Vampires shouldn’t sparkle or go in daylight. wtf is this nuclear plant vampires. Uggg disgusting might as well give them tentacles and five dicks.

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Soooooo I took out my seeds from last year and some from soooo many years ago and yes they did work last year maybe the expiration date was just a suggestion. I went on eBay and looked at seeds I’ve been dying to try since last year or want to see if there real. Example: the blue watermelon, green outside blue in the inside. There was a lot on the internet saying don’t buy this it is a hoax, it’s not real, there regular watermelon blah blah blah. I bought them last year anyway thinking but what if all the pennies I threw in the wishing well my entire childhood have accumulated a savings account of magic that I can use to grow these blue on the inside watermelons. Turns out the internet was right my thoughts were wrong. Fuck it because I’m buying them off another eBay seller maybe the last seller didn’t know enough voodoo to create a perfect blue watermelon and this one does. Cross your fingers everyone daddy wants a blue melon this year.

Last year I also sang to my plants in my best Whitney Houston singing voice those of you who know me know I can’t sing or dance that’s my sister not me. Sigh…tears…..poison cookies. I heard somewhere that they would grow better and every day they looked the same small no sign of growth. So one day I stopped. They didn’t deserve my talent and they grew 2 whole fking inches overnight. I guess silence is best at least in my case ha.

Ill probably be om seeds the next few days I really want to get semi decent start.

Cleaning my life.

Nothing to exciting today just going to clean my growing space. I hope my before and after pics are so dramatic and amazing that the bitches at Better Homes and Garden all cream their panties simultaneously. I really want to buy a chicken or maybe build some stairs. I don’t have a two story house or anything but stairs to no ware eventually lead to some ware. Maybe a cloud will stop by and be like whoa are those stairs? this garden is fking fantastic so fantastic I’m am going to rain on it all day and ruin your life! fuck your heirloom tomatoes. No cloud….fuck you dot exclamation point dot dot

As I cleaned today I noticed a lot of worms coming out of the ground. I scooped the worms up and put into a bowl. I usually feed them to my koi but today I will be tossing them into the dirt that I have taken from all the raised beds and pots. (This is old dirt I’m going to reuse)

I was going to add nutrient pellets to my dirt but as I poured my pots out and scooped the raised beds I noticed tons of worms and bugs had broken down all leaves and mulch from last year. I’m taking that as a sign my dirt is pretty dam good. But I will be mixing in some compost I started last year unintentionally. In other words, I raked leaves and piles grass clippings into one area I kept saying I would toss into the street on road cleaning day never did. In return I got beautiful dark compost.

I look for signs of repair needed on my raised beds. I did an extremely shitty job on them the first time so will see how this second round goes. My stevia plant is clinging for dear life in the dirt in one of the beds so I removed it put in a pot in the green house. While shoveling out the dirt into big tubs I find a clump of roots with tiny leaves. I don’t remember what it is but I will give it a fighting chance and move it to a pot as well.

I took apart two of the raised beds the third one seemed to be in tip top shape. I used a drill and screws this time to put them together instead of nails. Not going to lie I feel like such a fucking lumberjack, carpenter right now. I really do feel like I could put up a fence and build a dam house out of any piece of reclaimed wood. For now I will stick to raised beds and bunny doors and the occasional piece of wood I randomly nail to something because I’m a crafter and crafters do shit that. That’s really all for today literally took me hours to clean my dogs mess and try to locate my bunny’s holes.

Pictures from top to bottom to middle then side

Found my cookie sheet finally I don’t know how it got there. Next two pics just my mess from my pretend gardening last year after the sun and bunny combined killed my crops. Beginning gardening super serious later gardening crying into dry plants. Unlike  Tangled’s princess tears mine did not bring them back to life lol (you can see my raised beds falling apart). I love this main grinder garden bed ❤ my life partner found it in the freaken trash at work looked amazing with sun flowers last year. It will hold carrots this year. Middle bottom is my hammer and screw I’m officially a builder of things. Final is finished garden beds with soil I will be adding more once I get ready to transplant and compost in the huge wooden box that was also found in the trash heap.

Get ready…look who woke up!! nearly lost my marbles when I entered the green house.

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Its a round carrot, package said container carrot.