Swamp Garden

I’m sitting here watching murder shows on I.D. rain hitting my windows, wind blowing more leaves into my yard. Every time I step outside something blows into my face. Example: yesterday a plastic bag tried to suffocate me.

Everything is over wet. There’s mud every ware, my lawn is to my knees and I can’t plant anything outside. My garden life’s a mess, my yards a swamp, spirts are at an all-time low. I keep throwing potatoes out screaming “grow babies, grows ware ever u fall… Live with the flower babies”. Forget I tossed them out. Then I go into my yard and I’m like who the fuck tossed a potato here.

I found little collections of water with mosquito larva’s. Every planter that collected water has them. I can’t pour them out fast enough. All this rain is refilling them so quick and there back like they’ve been here for years.

Ahhhhhh garden life.

I have seedlings inside under lights so far it has been pretty good. But like always we Will see. I forgot they were under lights a month ago and came back to dry lil curled up strings. The panels on the green house flew away again so I bought tape, siding tape soooo excited for everything to be dry. My dragon fruit is plump as fuck but still doing nothing other than getting longer. When does the fruit come into my life.

20190125_161141_Film2

I got new crocs and a new garden fanny or work belt, whatever it is either way new things, new shovel, new out look on the weather maybe?

END

 

Holding the rain the weather man said we were not geting.

F-ing new year

Guess what my news year’s resolution was for 2018? To get my garden life together!!!! What better time to start then a few days before the years end. I took all my notes and drawings of what I imagined I would accomplish this year and merge them all into a 2-day semi fun filled pile of work. Everything is muddy as hell the rain has come and gone come again for 2 seconds and gone like rushed porn scene.

 My neighbors across the way got a new cat. You know how I can tell? Cat shit in the garden again and compost pile. I forgot to cover it since I didn’t have to, the cats around the block and I have an agreement. I put out the food they shit in someone else yard.

I decided to put the wire mesh material over the actual bed instead of the sides like a fence. I think his fat fluffy ass is jumping on the brick wall jumping into the dirt then jumping back. I laid the fence material down thinking yes this is grand. I brought my grey cat out to test this new way of garden life and no he can not shit there. Your probably thinking perfect finally I will never read about cat shit in the garden again and this is true. But now you will hear of leaves. Leaves!!! Every ware. Soon as raked up there piles of leaves and put the wire down they managed to squeeze there wide body’s in the tiny holes. Ugh. Will this never end? I just want a garden that looks like it’s being maintained by fairies and clean trolls.

fence

Ugh. So, I will now rush myself into the phase I was going to try out in the summer. I’m going to build a pvc pipe and green house material coverup thing for the raised beds in the front yard. I will be back….

Back.

thumbnail.jpgplastic

 I measured twice, cut once. Clearly measured wrong now I need another pipe. I couldn’t find all the parts I needed so I used hot glue. Horrible idea, I burnt my fingers and the pipes didn’t stick.

I now have all the parts I need after going to another store and find pieces that would randomly stick together. Eeeeeeee excited. I used pvc pipe glue, its like super glue I couldn’t move the pipe after I put the glue on and placed it so its wonky as fuck. 😦 I couldn’t get netting any ware it town so I ordered on amazon.

Other then the plastic cover its done and its grand as long as the wind doesn’t take it away like it did my trampoline I should be on my merry gardening way.

FIN

thumbnail.jpggrass

I grew a fucking JICAMA!!!!!

jicama

I’m back like Freddy

I should be searching for next semester classes but instead I’m explaining to my coworker how Instagram makes me self-conscious about my garden. It’s weird I read articles’ all day about how it makes people body conscious, but instead of questioning why Jenny rack is bigger than mine. I’m over here like are these carrots fucking real? How much illegal fertilizer are they using to bloat up those fat ass squash. What color green is that? is that paint?

It rained today btw (it’s been raining while I sleep for days). I went outside and held out my hands to moisten my inner sea witch. My summer garden is still clinging to life as winter takes ahold of my soul. I didn’t think they would make it this long, but the frost is barely coming. Today actually was the first day a light frost came over the lawn that magically grew in my front yard.

 I have tried to make tomato sauce almost 10x already and have not succeeded.

I cleaned out one garden bed ware my pile of malnourished radish and forgotten carrots laid. Summer just wasn’t my summer for variety. I over planted tomatoes and they took up the whole garden stealing sun from any plant I dare put within 2ft of them. I bought a miscellaneous chili plant and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. It looks like a baby tree and offers a great bounty. All the chilis look like un-circumcised dicks. So overall, I had eggplant, tomato, my chive scrap garden, water melon, honey dew and random chilis. I guess that’s ok. I really wanted my radish to come out, but another year of none.

Last year I had butterflies and lady bugs up the ass. This year I haven’t seen crap except dirty moths and aphid dicks all over the garden. This must be why I only grew one melon. 1 beautiful melon the most beautiful melon I’ve ever seen. Three melons in all grew but I didn’t notice the other two. They hid under the tomato plant and gophers ate them. Even as they lay cracked open their sweet smell filled my nostrils. I bet that gopher would taste just as sweet cooked on an open flame.

Less cussing working on myself <3. Jk. Just couldn’t fit fuck any ware.

20180820_112337.jpg

I find it crazy how they barely move but do so much damage.

20181002_083830

I had tons of spiders this season. Fancy lil striped leggings

180806_161213

Sprouts of complaints

I want a garden like that song “with or without you” You know a garden that grows with or without you. An independent garden that looks at you and says “Pshhhh I don’t need you. I’m an independent garden” “I’ll grow on my dam own fertilize and weed myself, fuck you if you think I need YOU. You need me” And I would nod and say yes. Yes, I need you don’t go. Where would I be without you? I just mowed my lawn and its huge again. I was walking around and boom I lost a croc. I always told myself crocs were for the garden only and I would not walk out my house with them on onto the streets. But I spend so much time in the garden forgetting stuff going back to the store to retrieve and kicking cat shit into the street (can’t do that with regular shoes). Neighbors caught me this time my excuse is it’s your fucking cat! Buy it a litter box like a regular cat. He’s not special!! the world isn’t his litter box Jan. Its Margret, Linda or something I don’t remember its been years since I pretended to want to get to know my neighbors. Anyway, going back to crocs. Crocs are life and a staple of my wardrobe now. I don’t even know what laces are anymore.

I saw a blue faced chicken on Instagram today. I was already creaming myself that something so amazing and magical exist.  I’m assuming it’s like that blue watermelon seeds I found on eBay. Those of you who deeply know me know I will fucking buy those again. Its about trial and error maybe just maybe I didn’t fertilize it enough to turn blue who knows. Maybe I need a gold shovel to make the garden magic work. I don’t know, but I will figure this out I want blue dam melons.

I go to this hydroponics store a lot almost once a week. I think they thought I was growing mountains of weed. For example- store guy: “for nice buds use this, for maxim buds here and for taller trees this pack”. “Everyone uses liquid but give solids a try you won’t regret it, Oh and this is perfect for cloning plants you’ll have buds in no time”. Me: “hmmmmmm does that work for tomatoes to? and my radish looked like dry ass ball sacks. What can I do for that? I also have these pictures of these porn star status zucchini and cucumbers I grew with the products you recommended last year thank you”. Btw super impressed with my giant ass zucchinis and cucumbers and now they know I’m growing vegetables.

This random rain is really pissing me off. I don’t understand how one day I could be burning alive in my garden and the next day I can’t step any ware without rain assaulting my face. I’ve been saving worms from puddles all freaking day. I should get a medal my fingers are cold prune tips. There is a reward though I toss them all into my leaf and eggshell compost pile and that dirt has been amazing year after year.

In closing.

fuck my neighbors cat.

IMG_20180413_162216_198

IMG_20180413_162216_194

someone ate a lizard and puked it up

IMG_20180502_135255

 

 

 

 

Garden reset

I love sims and moving things around with minimal effort. I wish gardening was like that. Instead of dig, dig, dig.. just click… click …. click no not there. here…click. PERFECT

I recovered the greenhouse. This new cover is so dam great. The door is so wide compared to the last one I feel like I could carry like 80 things in my arms while walking in.

I have survivors from last year or maybe seeds that decided to be part of the show now either way excited. There’s on asparagus plant and three carrots. I was redoing the garden beds in the back yard getting ready for dam spring, so I transplanted them into pot to fully grow and shoved into the green house. I thought they were weeds but realized it was a lil carrot with some delicate digging and dusting.

I was full force going at the garden until my shovel broke, 2nd one this year. Garden time is now crying time. Have you seen the prices of shovels these days? Are they fucking gold plated? Gosh. I’ve retired from the side yard back to the green house. I’m filling up trays with dirt, getting strawberries ready to sprout. I see them doing the strawberry fields already so I’m assuming its ok. Plus, there in a greenhouse should be good.

The weather has been shit! A disgusting pattern of hot, rain, ice, rain, rain, hail, blistering heat followed by ice again. Winter hasn’t been my prime growing period ever. My watermelon radish look like dirty witch fingers again. The rain brought wind with it, my greenhouse moved a whole foot. My frame is loose and a piece fell off ugh. Don’t get me started on the leaves. My yard has no trees, not one! but I seem to have the whole blocks tree leaves all over, knee deep. It could be less if I regularly raked but I don’t so leaves to the knees while I walk around like a daddy long leg spider. Dam branches fell on my greenhouse, they must have seen me recover it and wanted to get a better look at this fine thick plastic and ever so large door. I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t so big they knocked my carrots at an angle, all my trays dangling.

I sit and pray to every single god “spare my greenhouse my carrots, I just planted them. No lord why me?”. I get religious during garden time and finals.

I just got a new micro camera. Here are some pics hope you enjoy.

180329_102829

Eggs from a random animal I put in a jar lets see what comes out

Spider mites ruining my plants and life

180227_095759

whiteflies finally see there disgusting greedy faces.

180226_130317

ew more. how can one garden have so many intruders. This one is my favorite even though she is feeding her family my plants.

180223_132017

A dry alpine berry nothing but seeds.

 

Garden Dreams

I had this dream I was getting up from bed. Everything was white, the light in my house were so bright I could barely open my eyes and I walk out towards my front yard. Soon as I hit the front door everything comes into view. It’s all green and lush, I run to my cherry tomatoes plant on the side yard and its full of tiny even sized tomatoes. I’m so excited cutting them off with my garden scissors. I look down and I’m wearing this bright sun dress with huge yellow flowers and tons of butterflies are swarming my plants. I twirl around in my fantastic dress arms stretched, hands out and open, face smiling up towards the sky. The sun not even burning my eyes because of this dainty lil garden hat.

I wake up in real life to rain. My garage is flooded and my garden bucket with tools is floating in a puddle. My dogs decided this year there going to help me in the garden by digging holes where I don’t need them. But any effort made by them is appreciated. If only they could use tiny shovels. I have two inches of mud in my garage, so garden time is going to have to wait. I thought the weather man was lying as always when he said there would be a storm and to collect sand bags. This is what I get for not believing in you weather man. I take it back you’re not a liar.

 I put some motions lights up outside my house.  They don’t seem to work, there also to high up to even check regularly without fear of falling off the ladder into a gapping hole the earth has made because I left my hose on once again and let water run for hours. (I said I would remember to turn it off 12 hours later I did) 

Anyway………..

 I was reading a blog about using newspapers in a garden to keep away the weeds. I have been using them so far ok. I thought it was funny how their invasive plants are onion bulbs. I wish that what I had to deal with instead of these plants with self-defense mechanism of a stinging and prickliness. I cut my gutter today with my child’s help. It still won’t go up yet. It’s going to rain for a few days and I don’t want it to collect water. 

On a positive note

I love the smell of rain. I love collecting water for my plants and I even love these lil puddles. It reminds me of when I was little and I would take gold fish out the tank and watch them swim in the gutters to the storm drain.

IMG_20150304_172908

My cat big grey hunting in the yard

IMG_20170214_105846Thrift store finds