My eyes told me lies

Remember how I said this beautiful cat was shitting in my garden and ripping my seedlings out. Turns out it’s my fucking cat!!!! My smooth 19-pound cashmere fur sweater feeling cat. I was cleaning my bedroom window and I saw him look back towards the house, look towards to road, then to the sky (probably asking his cat god for forgiveness) then right there steps over the wood, digs up a hole and shits right ware my eggplant is growing.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought maybe it was another cat who looked just like mine so I went out to make sure and he bolted to the back yard. I followed him, he jumped a fence, it’s so him. The fence before me gave him enough time to lay on the floor and pretend he was waking up from the most peaceful sleep of his life.

Oh and remember how I was 3 sister-ing it. Well like real sisters one decided to be a bitch and hog the spot light from the others and grew bigger then them all, now I have 1 sister lol. I will be restarting again just with corn, sun flowers and the beans to crawl up them. I don’t want to plant more squash until I kill what’s eating them.

It’s so hot today. I feel like I’m going to turn into an apple doll. I’m getting so sweaty, summer how dare you try to moisten me and all my lady parts.

My tiny eggplant that made me flip my lid its so cute


This Sunflower that took forever to grow

Not to be out done “Pook” the reason I have to replant my garden life over and over again

IMG_20170720_114033 (2)

The Killing

It happened again, those green caterpillars came into my garden life and ate so much of my plants. I pretty much want to take down my soda planters in the green house and hang myself for not being properly prepared. Guess what?!? I didn’t even grow the Chrysanthemums to keep the bugs away, I 180% forgot. I was too excited spray painting tin cans for my spice life that I just tossed my flower seeds to the other side of my brain.

My internet garden btw doing amazing, whole village is fed.

There is also something eating my squash and zucchini sprouts. I blocked everything and fenced it in so it can’t be bunny butt or my dogs, the teeth marks are super small. Has to be some kind of small rodent. You’d think because I have a cat, a sizeable cat that I wouldn’t have this problem but Big Grey doesn’t give a shit if I eat organic vegetables picked with my own hands this year. He only cares about laying in the sun and forcing me to fluff his dry cat food before he eats and threating a hunger strike if I don’t. Cutie Pie is the only one who cares. She’s been barking at a tiny hole for 2 weeks and I dismissed it as her being a dick as always (she’s a shitzu and likes to start shit).

Ugh. This is making me sad. I planted tons of tomatoes I thought I planted 4 diff types in this one bed but they all look the same like pear tomatoes. I don’t even really like tomatoes. I figured I would start liking them once I grew them but there ugly.

My dogs had an improv 2 Spartan warrior era lion fight in the green house knocking down at least 8 tins of spices that had sprouted making me start all over. Only plus side is the green house make things grow so much faster. Well I’m off to Ace, to get mouse traps and rat traps and gopher traps and figure this shit out.

This isn’t the caterpillar but I’m pretty sure there related, this must be its uncle.


and now I have a mealy bug infestation…..fucking great (those cute white puffs, bugs)


Planning ahead and behind

So I have officially caved in chicken wire will be going up.

Which I guess was coming anyway. My dogs have trampled the five whole carrot survivors to smithereens. Not only that but I have to keep covering certain plants so they would quit jumping in them. Covering them lead to this giant ass mushroom sprouting in the soil I guess from the moistness and not getting enough sun light. Totally thought about eating it but…..won’t chance it, it’s very brown and large almost jelly looking, like it could be swimming in the ocean.

So, as I sit here and goggle what Brussel sprout plants look like so I can give them enough space I think…….

I can’t wait till the farmer’s market were I will not purchase your fking heirloom tomatoes at 4.99lb. Why am I going then you ask? To show support to local small business duh. I WILL have a beautiful garden providing me with fresh veggies, herbs and fruits (so far has only provided pain in my soul)…. but I don’t have a smoked dog bone tree. I also want to generate ideas for next season. Maybe I’ll buy a few veggies and seed them who knows.

Garden visitor


Death in the garden

It rained today. Like poured, shower head coming out of the clouds type of rain. I stood outside feeling like the alien on “The faculty”. The cold wind in my face, leaves hitting my skin, my tentacles reaching out to collect the droplets of water to feed my dry soul. Then I remember I have clothes on the fucking line ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. All of them soaked I will not have panties for the next 3 days!!! just kidding mainly socks I think I’ll live.

My carrots died 😦 it has left a temporary hole in my soul. Being that its early in the season and I can replant them and have carrots this year still. I tended their green tops and fertilized their soil. I imagine this feeling is the same as when my school yard friend Alicia’s Tamagotchi family died and she cried all recess. Uggg garden life. All these fking roots. Why didn’t you suck up this water? I feel like Rocky screaming Adrian in that alley on what, what is it rocky 2 maybe? except I’m screaming why???!!!!  whhhhyyyyyy !!!!!!! my neighbor’s dog is barking at me. My dogs don’t care as they are used to my behavior already and my constant bickering at them to get their life together and contribute to the family garden.

 My grass grew up to my knees and I refuse to cut it, it’s so wet with all this much needed but pissing me off rain. Other than that, I was pretty excited today. This beautiful orange stripped cat has been coming to my grass to hop around and just be a cute ass. I love him, I want to bring him in but my other cats would die of jealously. They already need their own bowl of food each because god forbid the other cat breath on his kibble.

I started de-weeding my soil in the wooden box outside. Thinking about the cat and all his fluffy tailness. Then I spotted it. Cat shit! in my fucking garden. In my potato bag. In my everything that had dirt. He has come to my yard to shit and distract me with his look at my fluffy ass. I’m going to just lounge and sun bathe in your yard. Reality being soon as you walk inside Ima jump jump jump to the side of your house and crap on your plants. Fuck this cat. I just noticed as well he has been ripping out my plant children, seedlings every ware. I am going to find out ware he lives.


A survivor from last year this year


There he is, the garden shitter

Come back to me.

I know I know…it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything and no my garden did not die…. yet. ha. I’ve been writing not editing or posting so I’m super behind but I’m still going to post past events. My garden mistakes can be your tomato plant saviors. So this will go pretty fast through a few seasons, crap weather and animals ruining my life o and people. Let’s get started.

Imagine a warm beautiful sunny day. The birds are chirping, wind is low, all the falling leaves missed your yard, neighbors minding their own fucking business. Then your garden comes into view. Who the fuck took a shit on the side of my yard?! Right there …. there on the pavement. So, I know this isn’t garden related but it did happen in my garden 5 feet away from my potato growing fabric sack. I put a lock on my fence this will never happen again. Ever ever ever. I stop the ground while refusing to pick this shit up. I will just not look in that direction until nature runs its course and the poo just magically disappears into the wind. (It dried up pretty fast) I used a piece of cardboard to move it out onto the street so the city can pick this filth up with the street cleaning machine thing.

Ugh. Ongoing.

I planted carrots last year and when I watered the seeds they floated towards one side of the garden bed. But when I say “I planted” I mean I tossed seeds on the top of fluffed soil thinking they would just bury themselves in like little cats snuggling blankets, they did not. They turned into lil boats and floated away. This year I have started them off in egg cartons. I laid the carton in my raised bed cut them to size then added soil and seeds there perfectly spaced apart. Then I moved them to the green house to sprout, it’s still to rainy and cold then sunny. Just to unpredictable to grow them outside.

I did a rainbow mix carrot seed and a barrel carrot. The barrel ones grow small and round and the picture looks cute. So there’s my main reason for growing that type. The rainbow one I just really love, there so fun looking and brighten up any meal and my bunny looks like a crazy cannibal after eating the red ones ❤

I also started some watermelon radish in the tubs, I went to a Korean bbq spot and they had radish paper, just plain white and fucking tasty. The seeds I purchased grow green radish with a red inside. I’m hoping to make my own radish paper and pull them out at our Sunday family bbqs along with the peen shaped chilies I’m growing ahhhhhh. I’m to excited to force feed my family dick shaped chilies with cream cheese and bacon inside.  TO EXCITED ❤

I will close this short comeback segment with this unwanted visitor.

(Its kind of cute with its lil eye sticks)


choke me.

I bought artichoke seeds today and fabric root bags, I guess that’s what they’re called. I’m using those for my plants that last all year and need protection from the shitty weather we’ve been experiencing. I’m also going to build a lil cinder block shelf so I can sprout more plants since I went and got the bigger cups now I have no space. I needed the shelf anyway if I’m going to successfully grow tons of different types of plants this year. My chamomile seeds sprouted!! can’t say I’m not super beyond excited. Last year none of my chamomile seeds sprouted at all, this year is showing signs of improvement, mint green thumb slowing turning into a bridge trolls green thumb.

 I took my fur babies to get groomed today so I had plenty of time and no one to grab my things away, So pretty productive overall. I printed labels out for my plastic cups and taped them on. No water has damaged them yet and its legible unlike my hand written labels. I will try to do this more I really like seeing the perfect lil print the cups. (chances are I won’t stick with it cuz I’m a busy bee)

I was so excited about my artichoke seeds I googled “when will they be ready for my consumption” and I got a shitload of articles on eating placenta wtf? I realized I didn’t ask a question on artichokes, just a basic consumption question lol. So re-questioned with artichokes in mind and success and disappointment spilled out my brains. It will take a year for my bush to provide me with any chokes. So I will not be an artichoke harvester this year, maybe next </3 on the bright side on the police do not cross tape I will be a harvester of tomatoes and carrots for sure and peas those plants seem to be sprouting like weeds. I pray for no weeds and Salma Hayek’s rack will see what happens first ha.

Sprouted so far

And this guy black tomato plant looking like a lil lock ness monster


The imposter.

All raised beds are ready. I’m going to layer my dirt then start sectioning off with cotton cord and small nails. I figure after I section off add plants remove cording, I could use the cord and nails to make a little DIY trellis for the plants to crawl up on if needed. I’m moving plants closer together this year. I’m stapling this lil green trellis on as well. I was going to go all out and do the whole chicken wire cover so my dogs don’t jump in but I don’t have that kind of patience at the moment. I’m taking 17 units this semester and its killing me. I will staple, glue and throw fairy dust whatever needs fixing right now.

I found this trunk in a storage locker I bought and I was going to refurbish it. I left it in the rain and the lid got super warped. I was going to dump it along with the tree I chopped down then I looked at it, really looked and thought artichokes plants would look so fucking cute hanging out of it if it were painted gold <3. So I painted the trunk gold. I know I should have sanded it down first but I wanted the authentic I fought a family of raccoons next to prostitutes in an alley for this trunk look.   20160127_133345

I also have this chair that’s just been siting there withering away. I looked at a few garden chairs on google images and decided I would just cut out the bottom and replace it with a burlap piece. I used thick scissors to cut the wicker seat out and tack nails to hold the burlap in place. I then placed soil in the burlap and watered it to make sure it would hold. It held pretty fine no complaints. I put flower seeds I was going to buy flowers but decided I wanted to do from seed to finish this year.

On a side note I share this with tears in my gardening soul……….

I’ve realized I’ve been providing fertilizer and heat for a weed for the past three months. This imposter has been sucking up my nourishment like a baby to a mother’s teat. I thought I planted strawberry seeds, well I did. This plant grew so fast compared to the rest, I was so proud de-weeding its soda bottle home (pretty much killing its cousins) measuring its wonderful growth compared to its siblings, who btw are real fucking strawberries. Last week while watering it my finger hit the weed and it stung me I thought maybe it’s a defense mechanism against not fully mature plant eating monsters. I don’t know how I confused the two they look waaaaaayyy different. So I officially have snipped it, rid myself of the roots and started strawberry seeds again. The weed could have grown due to the fact that I reused soil. So far the only weed to grow out of reused stuff but the garden beds haven’t sprouted anything unwanted yet. On other news my cilantro plant is budding with flowers to provide me with seeds. I have made tons of salsa and garnish plenty of plates with this one plant I’m really excited to start seeding it. It will be my first time collecting seeds from one of my plants.


The REAL berries (see the size difference)

these cups…?.fuck them

I used paper Dixie cups lined with wax to start my seeds. Worst idea ever omg. Dam Dixie cups only good for accepting semen samples at the sperm bank. I Can’t remember the last time I drank out of one of those things and it didn’t collapse mid sip and who the fuck let me label these. I really feel like if I were in a female/ female relationship (first name Brittany last named Spears) she would be like hey babe I can’t read that maybe you should type it up and come up with amazing garden ideas like the perfect goddess she is. I would like to send a shout out to target for not selling the shot glass size cups I normally use. Hope whoever made that decision gets mouth herpes.

 I searched every ware all I could find were these dam take away condiment cups so I’m going to try and save what seeds aren’t covered in disgusting mold and start the rest off in better cups. Yes, I went to smaller cups not bigger. Bigger cups take too much space and that’s wasteful as hell in my limited growing area. I might regret my choices later but with all my gardening experience on an up down teeter totter this maybe could land me right in the middle, or maybe I’ll grab all my seeds and throw them on the ground and hope for the best. Mid garden life tantrum.

Look at this freaking disgusting mold


My bunny got out again today if these cups weren’t freaking enough to ruin my day. He ate some of my egg cartons I was going to use to properly space out my carrots and Brussels sprouts. He has freaking organic lettuce, tons of treats, I even sprout him lentils in a jar all fancy but he rather eat trash and the lining of my green house. He’s lucky I think he would make a fabulous fur coat or id give him away. He’s not big enough for a coat sigh (sad face) but I love petting him imagining my Cruella Da Vil floor length rabbit fur coat, the winters would be great hahah hell I’d wear it summers to.

These new cups with there freshly printed labels  already sprouting 2 days later

paper cups

I think I’m going to do amazing this year in fact I know I am. So here’s a list of seeds I bought

  • Wild leaks
  • artichoke
  • Wonder berries
  • marvel tomato
  • Peter seeds (look like dicks can’t wait)
  • giant leek
  • Chamomile 
  • giant watermelon
  • Strawberry spinach
  • Desert tipin chili
  • Trucker’s fav white corn
  • Rainbow mix carrot seeds
  • Purple tomatillos

 Seeds I already had that I will use: all heirlooms

  • Black tomatoes
  • French peas
  • Bush peas
  • Watermelon
  • Dill
  • Brussel sprouts

 I will more than likely add more as I figure plant spacing out.

I’m going to three sisters it this year outside of my raised beds. If you don’t know what that is its growing corn, then beans, then a ground vine. The beans crawl up the corn stalks and the vines do the ground cover shading for less water evaporation and not letting weeds in.

I’m also planting chrysanthemums as natural bugs back the fuck up off my garden repellant.

It’s really muddy outside I didn’t think we would have this much rain cuz the weather man is a constant fucking liar. Now the rain has literally rained on my parade of gardening chores I lined up. I’ve wanted to work on pushing my bunny back into the side yard a lil more being that he doesn’t use his whole length of space and just lounges and eats. I bring him out and pat him and sit him on the couch inside the house. Until I can safely use an electrical saw without slipping on sludge and cutting my head off or electrocuting myself that will wait.

I bought these Dixie cups poked holes with a safety pin on the bottom, labeled and filled with dirt. There the perfect size for one of my racks. When I water the top row the water from them falls down into the second row and so on.

Update (literally next day) the cups weren’t as sturdy as the plastic ones I normally buy which target no longer sells so they squeezed right thru the hole and some fell to their deaths. I moved them to a smaller grid cabinet thing. Water still goes from top plants to bottom but not as great.

So far garden life=yay.

What I imagine my side yard will look like<3


lil diyish

After cleaning my growing area again, freaken bunny dragging plastic from who knows ware every ware, I add compost to my old soil and then bagged soil to that. I mixed it all in these round tubs with this tiny shovel I found in the rocks at the beach. I started going through my seeds again. Plotting ware they will go after I sprout them in the green house to get an early start on my garden. I separate by type: tomatoes with tomatoes, peas with peas etc. I remember I spilled water on about 40 dollars worth of seed paper packets last year ruining them. So I took the seeds out the packets of ones I knew I would use and put them in plastic baggies. You can just put the whole seed packet in plastic bag then in your box. My box is small I decided I would just open my packets get rid of the extra paper. I tossed it on the bottom of my garden beds to biodegrade.

I will be doing my spices in canned food cans again this year. I will spray paint the cans at least enough to get a good surface to write what plant it is. Last year the sun bleached all my marker off and I played a guessing game between lemon basil, regular basil and every dam kind of basil I grew. Shocker didn’t use basil all last year. I will this year though, I found a bad ass spaghetti sauce recipe I want to try, will post if turns out delicious. Still post if turns out like crap no better way to learn then trial and error or someone else’s mistakes ha.

I washed my cans out and took the labels off. I used a hammer and nail to pop drainage holes on the bottom and another hole on the top of can to add a little hanging string. I did the side hole over a piece of wood. I kept bending the can without it under there. I saw one online with 3 holes to make a full on plant hanger super cute maybe I’ll do some for flowers I’ll keep yea posted. Fuck it I am do it. I need holders for those bug repellant flowers.


I made a soda bottle hanging garden last year was so fucking cute I’m going to make again this year and more. I quit the soda habit like 3 months ago. Congrats to me still going through withdrawals, nipples get hard every time I see a can of warm coke sitting in hot car omg mmmmm.

I bought all these supplies at the Bc 99 store the rope was like 1.69 washers 1 .35 and these bottles I scavenged from any ware. I used an old food thermometer to punch holes into the plastic bottle one on each side top and bottom after I heated it up on the open flame. You could use a soldering gun, I couldn’t find mine today. I also heated the end of the rope so it wouldn’t fray after I cut if off since it tries to separate when pulling through the soda bottle holes, I just eyed it to what I thought was level the tied a washer. I know I didn’t wash the soda out this bottle. Maybe I’ll get some obese plants with all this sugar, will see.

There’s a lot of snails and slugs trying to set up a living space in my greenhouse, so Ima go brujeria and put a line of salt at the front door. My vegetarian friend, I will not name any names tried to scold me last year for drowning the snails all “its inhumane” all this shit. Then I reminded her how I caught her eating pork posole 3 o clock in the fucking morning at a sleep over at my house when we were like 15 lol. Take that bitch.

Last years soda bottle garden still going strong. I think there’s a weed growing under the cilantro bottle one I thought I planted strawberries but it doesn’t look like it now.