Swamp Garden

I’m sitting here watching murder shows on I.D. rain hitting my windows, wind blowing more leaves into my yard. Every time I step outside something blows into my face. Example: yesterday a plastic bag tried to suffocate me.

Everything is over wet. There’s mud every ware, my lawn is to my knees and I can’t plant anything outside. My garden life’s a mess, my yards a swamp, spirts are at an all-time low. I keep throwing potatoes out screaming “grow babies, grows ware ever u fall… Live with the flower babies”. Forget I tossed them out. Then I go into my yard and I’m like who the fuck tossed a potato here.

I found little collections of water with mosquito larva’s. Every planter that collected water has them. I can’t pour them out fast enough. All this rain is refilling them so quick and there back like they’ve been here for years.

Ahhhhhh garden life.

I have seedlings inside under lights so far it has been pretty good. But like always we Will see. I forgot they were under lights a month ago and came back to dry lil curled up strings. The panels on the green house flew away again so I bought tape, siding tape soooo excited for everything to be dry. My dragon fruit is plump as fuck but still doing nothing other than getting longer. When does the fruit come into my life.

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I got new crocs and a new garden fanny or work belt, whatever it is either way new things, new shovel, new out look on the weather maybe?

END

 

Holding the rain the weather man said we were not geting.

F-ing new year

Guess what my news year’s resolution was for 2018? To get my garden life together!!!! What better time to start then a few days before the years end. I took all my notes and drawings of what I imagined I would accomplish this year and merge them all into a 2-day semi fun filled pile of work. Everything is muddy as hell the rain has come and gone come again for 2 seconds and gone like rushed porn scene.

 My neighbors across the way got a new cat. You know how I can tell? Cat shit in the garden again and compost pile. I forgot to cover it since I didn’t have to, the cats around the block and I have an agreement. I put out the food they shit in someone else yard.

I decided to put the wire mesh material over the actual bed instead of the sides like a fence. I think his fat fluffy ass is jumping on the brick wall jumping into the dirt then jumping back. I laid the fence material down thinking yes this is grand. I brought my grey cat out to test this new way of garden life and no he can not shit there. Your probably thinking perfect finally I will never read about cat shit in the garden again and this is true. But now you will hear of leaves. Leaves!!! Every ware. Soon as raked up there piles of leaves and put the wire down they managed to squeeze there wide body’s in the tiny holes. Ugh. Will this never end? I just want a garden that looks like it’s being maintained by fairies and clean trolls.

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Ugh. So, I will now rush myself into the phase I was going to try out in the summer. I’m going to build a pvc pipe and green house material coverup thing for the raised beds in the front yard. I will be back….

Back.

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 I measured twice, cut once. Clearly measured wrong now I need another pipe. I couldn’t find all the parts I needed so I used hot glue. Horrible idea, I burnt my fingers and the pipes didn’t stick.

I now have all the parts I need after going to another store and find pieces that would randomly stick together. Eeeeeeee excited. I used pvc pipe glue, its like super glue I couldn’t move the pipe after I put the glue on and placed it so its wonky as fuck. 😦 I couldn’t get netting any ware it town so I ordered on amazon.

Other then the plastic cover its done and its grand as long as the wind doesn’t take it away like it did my trampoline I should be on my merry gardening way.

FIN

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I grew a fucking JICAMA!!!!!

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I’m back like Freddy

I should be searching for next semester classes but instead I’m explaining to my coworker how Instagram makes me self-conscious about my garden. It’s weird I read articles’ all day about how it makes people body conscious, but instead of questioning why Jenny rack is bigger than mine. I’m over here like are these carrots fucking real? How much illegal fertilizer are they using to bloat up those fat ass squash. What color green is that? is that paint?

It rained today btw (it’s been raining while I sleep for days). I went outside and held out my hands to moisten my inner sea witch. My summer garden is still clinging to life as winter takes ahold of my soul. I didn’t think they would make it this long, but the frost is barely coming. Today actually was the first day a light frost came over the lawn that magically grew in my front yard.

 I have tried to make tomato sauce almost 10x already and have not succeeded.

I cleaned out one garden bed ware my pile of malnourished radish and forgotten carrots laid. Summer just wasn’t my summer for variety. I over planted tomatoes and they took up the whole garden stealing sun from any plant I dare put within 2ft of them. I bought a miscellaneous chili plant and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. It looks like a baby tree and offers a great bounty. All the chilis look like un-circumcised dicks. So overall, I had eggplant, tomato, my chive scrap garden, water melon, honey dew and random chilis. I guess that’s ok. I really wanted my radish to come out, but another year of none.

Last year I had butterflies and lady bugs up the ass. This year I haven’t seen crap except dirty moths and aphid dicks all over the garden. This must be why I only grew one melon. 1 beautiful melon the most beautiful melon I’ve ever seen. Three melons in all grew but I didn’t notice the other two. They hid under the tomato plant and gophers ate them. Even as they lay cracked open their sweet smell filled my nostrils. I bet that gopher would taste just as sweet cooked on an open flame.

Less cussing working on myself <3. Jk. Just couldn’t fit fuck any ware.

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I find it crazy how they barely move but do so much damage.

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I had tons of spiders this season. Fancy lil striped leggings

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The garden in my soul..

Today I said fuck this garden. I didn’t mean it but now all the blossoms on my cherry tree have fallen. Maybe it was me, maybe it was this hot as hell green house that reached over a fucking 100. Well I will never know and I will also not have cherries.

The new green house is up. These below in the picture are all the extra pieces in case anything flies off or gets lost.

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Jk there are all the pieces I didn’t know where the hell they go so fuck it. It’s a bag full but the instructions were complete crap. Literally a picture with over a hundred numbers. Some of the holes to put the screws in are missing or an inch away from ware they should be. I had to drill them myself. I know I could have sent it back, but I was half way through and I’m a handy bitch so holes I made. Lesson learned though I will never again buy a knock off Harbor Freight green house to save 200 dollars. You know what I will, 200 is a lot and I’ve done this once and succeeded.

I don’t know how people could grow food in Alaska. I can barely grow leeks in California winter. Well I did grow like five things but I’m watching shows and their growing berries, lettuce, sunflowers, tomatoes, onions and fucking orange trees! In the snow! I’m pretty sure I grew my first brussel sprout tree thing. It looks like it, but the stem or trunk is crooked as all hell so I’m not sure, but I am sure it looks like tiny brussels are coming off the sides. So, I am just going to say it I planted a crooked brussels sprout tree and it’s the cutest most prize piece of my garden today. Tomorrow I probably won’t care anymore. Something new will sprout and I’ll lose my mind again.

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My neighbor’s cat, he’s a large grey cat with no tail weights about 20 lbs. came into my garden and dug a hole like he was trying to reach the center of the earth. He didn’t even shit in the garden he just dug out every single melon seedling. He didn’t discriminate all honey dew gone, watermelon gone and the unlabeled seeds that looked like melon seeds gone. I really can’t believe this trash. (I’m working on my cussing it’s a long process) I sprinkled salt, put jars of water out to scare him like every one of my hard core Mexican tias and neighbors swear by. His family is white he clearly doesn’t give a shit about Mexican garden voodoo. That is until I summon the Chupacabra and the CuCui to handle this fur monster.

I’ve been watering these flower seeds I got last month. Its this cute mix of tons of pink flowers. I only ever do sun flower so these flowers I’m excited about. There not sprouting at all. Yet the strawberry plant I let die in the back of the green house who just so happened to get a sprits of rain water one time two weeks ago it already growing a baby bush. I added more seeds, more water and some mulch. I thought maybe the soil was getting dry, I don’t know. There in the rain gutter garden. I love it its cute but I feel like something is stealing all the water I put in there if that makes any sense

I walked across my yard in my new crocs and stepped all over shit again. Ugh. Now I know why every time I walk my dogs I see signs in yards “I see you and your dog your on camera now”. As soon as those signs went up I noticed shit all over my yard. That person must have changed their route and now the shit stop is my house.

ugh.

My cat Big Grey Al being a model

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Pepperchini pretending to be interested in the new greenhouse building supplies. The green house after the wind blew it apart (I put the pieces to hold the panels in wrong)

Sprouts of complaints

I want a garden like that song “with or without you” You know a garden that grows with or without you. An independent garden that looks at you and says “Pshhhh I don’t need you. I’m an independent garden” “I’ll grow on my dam own fertilize and weed myself, fuck you if you think I need YOU. You need me” And I would nod and say yes. Yes, I need you don’t go. Where would I be without you? I just mowed my lawn and its huge again. I was walking around and boom I lost a croc. I always told myself crocs were for the garden only and I would not walk out my house with them on onto the streets. But I spend so much time in the garden forgetting stuff going back to the store to retrieve and kicking cat shit into the street (can’t do that with regular shoes). Neighbors caught me this time my excuse is it’s your fucking cat! Buy it a litter box like a regular cat. He’s not special!! the world isn’t his litter box Jan. Its Margret, Linda or something I don’t remember its been years since I pretended to want to get to know my neighbors. Anyway, going back to crocs. Crocs are life and a staple of my wardrobe now. I don’t even know what laces are anymore.

I saw a blue faced chicken on Instagram today. I was already creaming myself that something so amazing and magical exist.  I’m assuming it’s like that blue watermelon seeds I found on eBay. Those of you who deeply know me know I will fucking buy those again. Its about trial and error maybe just maybe I didn’t fertilize it enough to turn blue who knows. Maybe I need a gold shovel to make the garden magic work. I don’t know, but I will figure this out I want blue dam melons.

I go to this hydroponics store a lot almost once a week. I think they thought I was growing mountains of weed. For example- store guy: “for nice buds use this, for maxim buds here and for taller trees this pack”. “Everyone uses liquid but give solids a try you won’t regret it, Oh and this is perfect for cloning plants you’ll have buds in no time”. Me: “hmmmmmm does that work for tomatoes to? and my radish looked like dry ass ball sacks. What can I do for that? I also have these pictures of these porn star status zucchini and cucumbers I grew with the products you recommended last year thank you”. Btw super impressed with my giant ass zucchinis and cucumbers and now they know I’m growing vegetables.

This random rain is really pissing me off. I don’t understand how one day I could be burning alive in my garden and the next day I can’t step any ware without rain assaulting my face. I’ve been saving worms from puddles all freaking day. I should get a medal my fingers are cold prune tips. There is a reward though I toss them all into my leaf and eggshell compost pile and that dirt has been amazing year after year.

In closing.

fuck my neighbors cat.

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someone ate a lizard and puked it up

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Garden reset

I love sims and moving things around with minimal effort. I wish gardening was like that. Instead of dig, dig, dig.. just click… click …. click no not there. here…click. PERFECT

I recovered the greenhouse. This new cover is so dam great. The door is so wide compared to the last one I feel like I could carry like 80 things in my arms while walking in.

I have survivors from last year or maybe seeds that decided to be part of the show now either way excited. There’s on asparagus plant and three carrots. I was redoing the garden beds in the back yard getting ready for dam spring, so I transplanted them into pot to fully grow and shoved into the green house. I thought they were weeds but realized it was a lil carrot with some delicate digging and dusting.

I was full force going at the garden until my shovel broke, 2nd one this year. Garden time is now crying time. Have you seen the prices of shovels these days? Are they fucking gold plated? Gosh. I’ve retired from the side yard back to the green house. I’m filling up trays with dirt, getting strawberries ready to sprout. I see them doing the strawberry fields already so I’m assuming its ok. Plus, there in a greenhouse should be good.

The weather has been shit! A disgusting pattern of hot, rain, ice, rain, rain, hail, blistering heat followed by ice again. Winter hasn’t been my prime growing period ever. My watermelon radish look like dirty witch fingers again. The rain brought wind with it, my greenhouse moved a whole foot. My frame is loose and a piece fell off ugh. Don’t get me started on the leaves. My yard has no trees, not one! but I seem to have the whole blocks tree leaves all over, knee deep. It could be less if I regularly raked but I don’t so leaves to the knees while I walk around like a daddy long leg spider. Dam branches fell on my greenhouse, they must have seen me recover it and wanted to get a better look at this fine thick plastic and ever so large door. I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t so big they knocked my carrots at an angle, all my trays dangling.

I sit and pray to every single god “spare my greenhouse my carrots, I just planted them. No lord why me?”. I get religious during garden time and finals.

I just got a new micro camera. Here are some pics hope you enjoy.

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Eggs from a random animal I put in a jar lets see what comes out

Spider mites ruining my plants and life

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whiteflies finally see there disgusting greedy faces.

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ew more. how can one garden have so many intruders. This one is my favorite even though she is feeding her family my plants.

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A dry alpine berry nothing but seeds.

 

D I fucking Y

How’s my winter garden? Horrible!!!!!! Compared to last year I guess. Also compared to summer when everything seems to grow with no end or burn to hell. I do have a tray of leaks a pile of random lettuce and radishes growing, that’s great but I want more. More I tell you. But since my garden is eh I’m going to do a diy. I did can food planters last year, they were amazing. So I will be redoing full detail 😊 yesss.

Your probably thinking isn’t that the same place you put dirt into your cans? Why yes, yes it is. Make sure you dust your multi-purpose area off or you’ll get paint and dirt every ware. I had to re dust a million x5 because dirt just kept magically appearing. Now for the steps to ensure a fantastic looking piece of up cycled cannery.

Step one: Naked your cans. No! find the cans your going to use from the pile you have stocked up for this purpose and make sure they are clean. Last year I half assed them thinking well I’m just going to put dirt in them anyway shouldn’t be to bad. Yes it was bad, I grew hair mold instead of spices. EW.

Step two: Now naked your cans and use a wire scrapper to get any left-over label and glue off

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Now I really love multicolor cans, this year I’m going to try and be more clean and precise. Last year I sprayed all willy nilly. This year I’m about those crisp ass lines, so I bought some painters tape.

side note: I will not be popping holes into the bottoms. I will layer with rocks. I don’t want the water draining through. If you want holes thin nail and a hammer will do 🙂

Step three: Do your first color coat. I am going to try and stick with just a few colors keep it garden chic like all these fancy pants magazines. But do what you want 😊. Wait a few hours until the paint is dry before you do painters tape. I’m impatient as hell I peeled bits of my base layer off not waiting long enough☹. (looks pretty dam cool still)

Step four: Next color. Make sure you put enough tape and press the edges down so the color doesn’t seep into the other color. As you can see I did not follow my own instructions.

 

I spray painted a few bugs to glue onto my cans. I thought it would be dam cute and it is.

I’m done with the cans they seem bland as hell and boring like a just water soup☹ Soooooo I’m going to ad stencils to some. I really do like my bug cans they are cute as fuck. But I need a pop of color in my soul. So back to spraying all willy nilly. I will still be doing crisp ass lines. I used painters tape and stencils to only use part of stencil or to only paint a certain color on part of the can ahhhhhhhhhhhh love it. I got the stencils at Michaels use your coupon I find them a bit pricy.

NEXT:

Some perler bead flowers to label your plants or make signs for the bastard cat shitting in your garden.

I shaped petals out one by one since my perler bead stencils aren’t the ones I need for this project. They still came out well but needed extra work.

1: lay out pattern

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2: Iron and I know this sounds easy but I didn’t read the directions. I figured anyone with at least ¼ a brain could do this very easy step and then I ended up with perlers as flat as the earth is round. So press the stencil equal pressure not to long not to short depending on the heat of your iron.

3: cut out some fabric circles glue your petals on. You could also glue them onto a big button I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.

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4: Melt a single perler end and glue to the end of a wooden BBQ skewer and there we go a perfect lil stem. Now glue that stem to the back of your flower.

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5: Get some paper, writing implement of your choice, scissors and tape. Write out your garden message, plant label, note to nosey neighbors, whatever de stresses your life and cut out. Press tape over front and back making it waterproof and cut out again. Glue on direactly or use a bit of garden twine and there you go. Beautiful flowers with dainty magical caring or blunt note ❤

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Hope you enjoy

Another side note:

I didn’t realize so much red paint was splattering on my arms from can painting. Later in day I saw what looked like a rash and web md it now I’m dying I have rubella. I have rashes from other countries noooooooo why me whhhyyyyyyy. Then I remembered my spray paint cap was faulty and it’s just paint I’m fine. But be careful web md will make you feel like you need to be quarantined instead of just hosed off.