Swamp Garden

I’m sitting here watching murder shows on I.D. rain hitting my windows, wind blowing more leaves into my yard. Every time I step outside something blows into my face. Example: yesterday a plastic bag tried to suffocate me.

Everything is over wet. There’s mud every ware, my lawn is to my knees and I can’t plant anything outside. My garden life’s a mess, my yards a swamp, spirts are at an all-time low. I keep throwing potatoes out screaming “grow babies, grows ware ever u fall… Live with the flower babies”. Forget I tossed them out. Then I go into my yard and I’m like who the fuck tossed a potato here.

I found little collections of water with mosquito larva’s. Every planter that collected water has them. I can’t pour them out fast enough. All this rain is refilling them so quick and there back like they’ve been here for years.

Ahhhhhh garden life.

I have seedlings inside under lights so far it has been pretty good. But like always we Will see. I forgot they were under lights a month ago and came back to dry lil curled up strings. The panels on the green house flew away again so I bought tape, siding tape soooo excited for everything to be dry. My dragon fruit is plump as fuck but still doing nothing other than getting longer. When does the fruit come into my life.

20190125_161141_Film2

I got new crocs and a new garden fanny or work belt, whatever it is either way new things, new shovel, new out look on the weather maybe?

END

 

Holding the rain the weather man said we were not geting.

I’m back like Freddy

I should be searching for next semester classes but instead I’m explaining to my coworker how Instagram makes me self-conscious about my garden. It’s weird I read articles’ all day about how it makes people body conscious, but instead of questioning why Jenny rack is bigger than mine. I’m over here like are these carrots fucking real? How much illegal fertilizer are they using to bloat up those fat ass squash. What color green is that? is that paint?

It rained today btw (it’s been raining while I sleep for days). I went outside and held out my hands to moisten my inner sea witch. My summer garden is still clinging to life as winter takes ahold of my soul. I didn’t think they would make it this long, but the frost is barely coming. Today actually was the first day a light frost came over the lawn that magically grew in my front yard.

 I have tried to make tomato sauce almost 10x already and have not succeeded.

I cleaned out one garden bed ware my pile of malnourished radish and forgotten carrots laid. Summer just wasn’t my summer for variety. I over planted tomatoes and they took up the whole garden stealing sun from any plant I dare put within 2ft of them. I bought a miscellaneous chili plant and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. It looks like a baby tree and offers a great bounty. All the chilis look like un-circumcised dicks. So overall, I had eggplant, tomato, my chive scrap garden, water melon, honey dew and random chilis. I guess that’s ok. I really wanted my radish to come out, but another year of none.

Last year I had butterflies and lady bugs up the ass. This year I haven’t seen crap except dirty moths and aphid dicks all over the garden. This must be why I only grew one melon. 1 beautiful melon the most beautiful melon I’ve ever seen. Three melons in all grew but I didn’t notice the other two. They hid under the tomato plant and gophers ate them. Even as they lay cracked open their sweet smell filled my nostrils. I bet that gopher would taste just as sweet cooked on an open flame.

Less cussing working on myself <3. Jk. Just couldn’t fit fuck any ware.

20180820_112337.jpg

I find it crazy how they barely move but do so much damage.

20181002_083830

I had tons of spiders this season. Fancy lil striped leggings

180806_161213

The garden in my soul..

Today I said fuck this garden. I didn’t mean it but now all the blossoms on my cherry tree have fallen. Maybe it was me, maybe it was this hot as hell green house that reached over a fucking 100. Well I will never know and I will also not have cherries.

The new green house is up. These below in the picture are all the extra pieces in case anything flies off or gets lost.

thumbnail

Jk there are all the pieces I didn’t know where the hell they go so fuck it. It’s a bag full but the instructions were complete crap. Literally a picture with over a hundred numbers. Some of the holes to put the screws in are missing or an inch away from ware they should be. I had to drill them myself. I know I could have sent it back, but I was half way through and I’m a handy bitch so holes I made. Lesson learned though I will never again buy a knock off Harbor Freight green house to save 200 dollars. You know what I will, 200 is a lot and I’ve done this once and succeeded.

I don’t know how people could grow food in Alaska. I can barely grow leeks in California winter. Well I did grow like five things but I’m watching shows and their growing berries, lettuce, sunflowers, tomatoes, onions and fucking orange trees! In the snow! I’m pretty sure I grew my first brussel sprout tree thing. It looks like it, but the stem or trunk is crooked as all hell so I’m not sure, but I am sure it looks like tiny brussels are coming off the sides. So, I am just going to say it I planted a crooked brussels sprout tree and it’s the cutest most prize piece of my garden today. Tomorrow I probably won’t care anymore. Something new will sprout and I’ll lose my mind again.

fvffg

My neighbor’s cat, he’s a large grey cat with no tail weights about 20 lbs. came into my garden and dug a hole like he was trying to reach the center of the earth. He didn’t even shit in the garden he just dug out every single melon seedling. He didn’t discriminate all honey dew gone, watermelon gone and the unlabeled seeds that looked like melon seeds gone. I really can’t believe this trash. (I’m working on my cussing it’s a long process) I sprinkled salt, put jars of water out to scare him like every one of my hard core Mexican tias and neighbors swear by. His family is white he clearly doesn’t give a shit about Mexican garden voodoo. That is until I summon the Chupacabra and the CuCui to handle this fur monster.

I’ve been watering these flower seeds I got last month. Its this cute mix of tons of pink flowers. I only ever do sun flower so these flowers I’m excited about. There not sprouting at all. Yet the strawberry plant I let die in the back of the green house who just so happened to get a sprits of rain water one time two weeks ago it already growing a baby bush. I added more seeds, more water and some mulch. I thought maybe the soil was getting dry, I don’t know. There in the rain gutter garden. I love it its cute but I feel like something is stealing all the water I put in there if that makes any sense

I walked across my yard in my new crocs and stepped all over shit again. Ugh. Now I know why every time I walk my dogs I see signs in yards “I see you and your dog your on camera now”. As soon as those signs went up I noticed shit all over my yard. That person must have changed their route and now the shit stop is my house.

ugh.

My cat Big Grey Al being a model

Screenshot_20180523-015545

Pepperchini pretending to be interested in the new greenhouse building supplies. The green house after the wind blew it apart (I put the pieces to hold the panels in wrong)

Making it Fancy

 

I love birds, little animals and bugs. Since my winter garden has been crap, they right now are my temporary focus. My favorite thing to do is feed them so they come to me when I walk outside my house and open my arms like Snow White.

I bought a couple Dollar Tree store bird feeders and fancied those bitches up. The only negative is I put them on my porch to close to the door and the humming birds want to fight us every time we come home. I guess we interrupt there sucking of the sweet nectar. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve felt the tiny tip of a beak graze my face or a feather hit my actual eyeball.

I took regular feeders and fake flowers. I cut the flowers into pieces, so I could fit them around the hard-plastic yellow flowers attached to feeders.

 I glued everything down with hot glue.

This is nectar recipe I used:

https://www.dominosugar.com/baking-tips-how-tos/hummingbird-nectar-recipe

Domino® Sugar Hummingbird Nectar Recipe
1 cup tap water
¼ cup Domino® Granulated Pure Cane Sugar
To make your own mixture, bring tap water to a boil and stir in Domino® Granulated Pure Cane Sugar. Allow mixture to cool to room temperature before adding it to your feeder.
To yield larger portions, mix at the ratio of 1-part sugar to 4 parts water. The solution will keep in the refrigerator for up to two weeks.

***I did not use Domino sugar. I used this brown looking organic one***

There’s another recipe using orange peels that gives it a great color I will be trying in the future.

I attached a go pro camera to the feeder direactly and got shitty footage. I attached again to the beam on the porch instead and perfect. The humming bird’s wings look almost translucent from moving so fast. I love there lil chirps!!!!!

 

 

D I fucking Y

How’s my winter garden? Horrible!!!!!! Compared to last year I guess. Also compared to summer when everything seems to grow with no end or burn to hell. I do have a tray of leaks a pile of random lettuce and radishes growing, that’s great but I want more. More I tell you. But since my garden is eh I’m going to do a diy. I did can food planters last year, they were amazing. So I will be redoing full detail 😊 yesss.

Your probably thinking isn’t that the same place you put dirt into your cans? Why yes, yes it is. Make sure you dust your multi-purpose area off or you’ll get paint and dirt every ware. I had to re dust a million x5 because dirt just kept magically appearing. Now for the steps to ensure a fantastic looking piece of up cycled cannery.

Step one: Naked your cans. No! find the cans your going to use from the pile you have stocked up for this purpose and make sure they are clean. Last year I half assed them thinking well I’m just going to put dirt in them anyway shouldn’t be to bad. Yes it was bad, I grew hair mold instead of spices. EW.

Step two: Now naked your cans and use a wire scrapper to get any left-over label and glue off

IMG_20180114_105101

Now I really love multicolor cans, this year I’m going to try and be more clean and precise. Last year I sprayed all willy nilly. This year I’m about those crisp ass lines, so I bought some painters tape.

side note: I will not be popping holes into the bottoms. I will layer with rocks. I don’t want the water draining through. If you want holes thin nail and a hammer will do 🙂

Step three: Do your first color coat. I am going to try and stick with just a few colors keep it garden chic like all these fancy pants magazines. But do what you want 😊. Wait a few hours until the paint is dry before you do painters tape. I’m impatient as hell I peeled bits of my base layer off not waiting long enough☹. (looks pretty dam cool still)

Step four: Next color. Make sure you put enough tape and press the edges down so the color doesn’t seep into the other color. As you can see I did not follow my own instructions.

 

I spray painted a few bugs to glue onto my cans. I thought it would be dam cute and it is.

I’m done with the cans they seem bland as hell and boring like a just water soup☹ Soooooo I’m going to ad stencils to some. I really do like my bug cans they are cute as fuck. But I need a pop of color in my soul. So back to spraying all willy nilly. I will still be doing crisp ass lines. I used painters tape and stencils to only use part of stencil or to only paint a certain color on part of the can ahhhhhhhhhhhh love it. I got the stencils at Michaels use your coupon I find them a bit pricy.

NEXT:

Some perler bead flowers to label your plants or make signs for the bastard cat shitting in your garden.

I shaped petals out one by one since my perler bead stencils aren’t the ones I need for this project. They still came out well but needed extra work.

1: lay out pattern

IMG_20180121_154256

2: Iron and I know this sounds easy but I didn’t read the directions. I figured anyone with at least ¼ a brain could do this very easy step and then I ended up with perlers as flat as the earth is round. So press the stencil equal pressure not to long not to short depending on the heat of your iron.

3: cut out some fabric circles glue your petals on. You could also glue them onto a big button I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.

IMG_20180121_162320

4: Melt a single perler end and glue to the end of a wooden BBQ skewer and there we go a perfect lil stem. Now glue that stem to the back of your flower.

IMG_20180121_162337

5: Get some paper, writing implement of your choice, scissors and tape. Write out your garden message, plant label, note to nosey neighbors, whatever de stresses your life and cut out. Press tape over front and back making it waterproof and cut out again. Glue on direactly or use a bit of garden twine and there you go. Beautiful flowers with dainty magical caring or blunt note ❤

IMG_20180121_164256

Hope you enjoy

Another side note:

I didn’t realize so much red paint was splattering on my arms from can painting. Later in day I saw what looked like a rash and web md it now I’m dying I have rubella. I have rashes from other countries noooooooo why me whhhyyyyyyy. Then I remembered my spray paint cap was faulty and it’s just paint I’m fine. But be careful web md will make you feel like you need to be quarantined instead of just hosed off.

Garden Dreams

I had this dream I was getting up from bed. Everything was white, the light in my house were so bright I could barely open my eyes and I walk out towards my front yard. Soon as I hit the front door everything comes into view. It’s all green and lush, I run to my cherry tomatoes plant on the side yard and its full of tiny even sized tomatoes. I’m so excited cutting them off with my garden scissors. I look down and I’m wearing this bright sun dress with huge yellow flowers and tons of butterflies are swarming my plants. I twirl around in my fantastic dress arms stretched, hands out and open, face smiling up towards the sky. The sun not even burning my eyes because of this dainty lil garden hat.

I wake up in real life to rain. My garage is flooded and my garden bucket with tools is floating in a puddle. My dogs decided this year there going to help me in the garden by digging holes where I don’t need them. But any effort made by them is appreciated. If only they could use tiny shovels. I have two inches of mud in my garage, so garden time is going to have to wait. I thought the weather man was lying as always when he said there would be a storm and to collect sand bags. This is what I get for not believing in you weather man. I take it back you’re not a liar.

 I put some motions lights up outside my house.  They don’t seem to work, there also to high up to even check regularly without fear of falling off the ladder into a gapping hole the earth has made because I left my hose on once again and let water run for hours. (I said I would remember to turn it off 12 hours later I did) 

Anyway………..

 I was reading a blog about using newspapers in a garden to keep away the weeds. I have been using them so far ok. I thought it was funny how their invasive plants are onion bulbs. I wish that what I had to deal with instead of these plants with self-defense mechanism of a stinging and prickliness. I cut my gutter today with my child’s help. It still won’t go up yet. It’s going to rain for a few days and I don’t want it to collect water. 

On a positive note

I love the smell of rain. I love collecting water for my plants and I even love these lil puddles. It reminds me of when I was little and I would take gold fish out the tank and watch them swim in the gutters to the storm drain.

IMG_20150304_172908

My cat big grey hunting in the yard

IMG_20170214_105846Thrift store finds

I don’t relax, I garden

I was thinking about my garden and my plants as I dig up weeds tossing dirt around. All their leaves and fruits are eaten! One plant has a tiny  disapointing rotten chili then I go on to my blog and write “My plants bring me joy! I love them! I loved them since they were seeds” as I come inside after flipping them off numerous times.

I Found out what the animal ruining my yard was just last week. It’s a racoon, yup. Him and his lil burglar face have been ruining my plants, biting tomatoes, harassing my bunny and stealing his food. How do I know it stole his food? well he had a piece of toast. That piece of toast ended up in the front yard where the lil coon ran to. I really do love raccoons, they are so freaking cute. I’m going to just put motion lights since he only visits at night to terrorize me. Hopefully this keeps him away (but how many times have I said lights will go up?) If not, I will have to trap and release him some ware else far far far away from the land of free vegetables and toast.

I keep seeing these cute lil rain gutter gardens, I want one, I NEED one. last time I went to Lowes I had the most awful experience with shithole customer service, yes, I’m talking about you Lowes in Gilroy, fuck you! 8 employees siting on their assholes in the garden section not one of them could do what their paid to do and lower fking bricks down. I waited 40 fking minutes and now I know why serial killers exist. They go to stores like this trying to relieve their stress, working in a garden, building bird houses etc. Only to have assholes like that make them wait around, and feel ridiculously unimportant because you know making money for the company you work for is sooo down the list of shit you should be doing ugh. So I went to Home Depot. Someone helped me within 1 fucking minute, 1 I wish I could capitalize a number one. I can’t so I will bold it 1 (take notes Lowes). I got a 10-foot piece of gutter and two sets of end caps and some hook things 4 of them for under thirty dollars. I want to cut it in half and do five feet each. I haven’t really chosen a cite yet, so this might change and I might have to pick more caps and hooks up will see. So far on task and mood is great. Things will get done. I will not drop kick my to-do list this week.

Surprise pea plant

Forgot I planted peas out of ten seeds only one to sprout.

IMG_20171006_123337

Tomato’s in the green house living still. Everyone outside shrived to raisins

IMG_20171125_154710IMG_20171125_154738IMG_20171125_154647

Spider in the greenhouse taking care of the nasty winged bugs.